So I've been thinking that maybe I should retitle this blog The Diary of a Mad White Woman.... nah...doesn't really have the same flair. It's weird, usually I'm a very private person and although I have a blog, I rarely ever posted regularly, in fact it used to be a special occation if I posted more then twice a month, but now I find myself compelled to write every day. (so far at least) It seems to help cleanse my soul and I've been really appreciating the outpouring of support that I've received via the internet. Everyone has been really, really sweet and nice. I've been having a few issues lately. Most of the time, I'm angry, so angry, but at night, especially after the kids are in bed and I'm alone, either wandering around the empty feeling house or lying in bed desperately wishing for sleep, I miss him so much.
Everyone I know, that knows the both of us, tells me that I'm better off without him, that I'm strong and that I will survive this, and I know I will. It funny, either I'm overcompensating or less tense about my family situation now that it's in shambles, but my relationship with the kids seems better then ever. In this last week, I haven't had one bad day with Ben. We talk and laugh and cuddle and all and all if I wasn't dealing with this divorce, I'd say I was incredibally happy. But there's a little bit of a downside to all the happy, Ben keeps making plans. All day at random times, he says things like "Can we do ___, just you and me and Daddy and Mackee?" and I have to tell him "we'll see" or "Maybe." Or he'll ask if Daddy will be home from work when we get home and I have to remind him that Daddy is staying at grandma's to "help" her for a while.
But I think that what I'm most sad for is the broken plans. Whenever, I was home alone with the kids and feeling down or tired or lonely during their naps, I would make plans in my head of fun things we could do, like trips to the zoo, or the science center, or even just the duck farm, and all of my plans included Brian. I loved how he loved going to the zoo with the kids almost as much if not more then the kids. I loved fantasizing and planing about that trip to Montreal that we were kinda planning or the trip to Chicago with just the two of us. I loved planning all these things and now that's all they'll be, plans. We'll never go to Disney world, or camping or even just sit at home and play Wii anymore. From now on, it will just be me and Ben and Mac. And I hate that.
I hate that I never quite realized how much I looked forward to him coming home at night. I loved to hear about his day and I loved to tell him about mine. I loved to watch our favorite programs together and talk about them, or talk about our hockey pool. I live a very secluded life, home alone with the kids all day. I don't have a lot (or well almost any) of friends in the area and all the friends that I did have were people that he works with which puts them in a hard place and I don't want to do that to them. I also think that they were primarily his friends and I was just the wife of one of their friends. So at night after everyone is in bed, I wander aimlessly trying to find someone or something to occupy my time. Even talking on the phone to the few friends I have isn't really the same. I want someone in the house.
I miss him.....I hate him.....
Music for Martians
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This is a new video for ‘Rise Mountain Rise,’ the song we used to use as
our onstage intro. It kicked off our album ‘Mystery,’ which was reissued in
2016 a...
4 weeks ago
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1 comment:
I didn't have alot of friends either, the internet was my social life until I got involved in a church and I really should have done that years before i actually did.
But, the internet gig worked out, because I met my husband online (friend of a friend)-about 6 years after my divorce.
Your son is trying to be perfect-he thinks that daddy is gone and it is his fault. You both need to sit down and be sure he understands that it isn't him, it has nothing to do with him and there isn't anything that he can do to fix it. You both love him very much and always will.
And soon he will realize that playing the perfect kid isn't working and he will get angry....REALLY angry, his anger will make your anger look like Valentines day. Of course he will direct every bit of it at you, roll with it as much as you can, knowing that he is doing this because he KNOWS he can express his emotions with you and is scared that if he does with this dad he will disappear even more from his life.
When you talk to your attorney see if parenting classes are required in your area-they supply you with great information on how to help your kids deal with the transition.
If not, you might want to see if your soon to be x husband would be willing to attend something like that for the sake of the kids.
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