Wistful Longings

A friend of mine is pregnant. Now initially, I'm thrilled. I have two children of my own and this is the first of my friends that I knew before I had children to become pregnant. I'm excited that I'll have something new to talk to this friend about especially as friends have a tendency to drift when one becomes a parent. I also have a friend to share all the beautiful baby clothes that I no longer have a use for with rather then just donating them directly to the Goodwill. And this is where I run into my problem. As I sort through all the tiny clothing, all I can think about is how much I envy her.

On the surface, this seems fairly reasonable. Most women find themselves longing for children when they see a new baby or another pregnant woman; however, as I stated, I have two children. My son is two and a half, but my daughter is only 7 months. I have the babies, I know how much work, how little sleep, and in general how exhausting her life is about to become but I still wish I could trade places with her, not that I'd ever want to give up my babies (well, maybe if you asked me after one of the nights that I don't get more then 3 hours of sleep at one time).

If you asked me when I was pregnant if I would have another, I'd have looked at you like you must have been crazy. Unlike most women, I hated being pregnant most of the time. I hated the brief morning sickness, the bathroom breaks every half hour, and the feeling that you're standing outside of your body as some lunatic has taken control of your actions as you sob uncontrollably over a Hallmark commercial 15 minutes after it's ended (stupid ad agencies) because of your hormonal mood swings. I hated the not sleeping at night because there are no comfortable positions, the swelling ankles, wrists, fingers, feet and waist. The feeling that no matter how many people tell you you're beautiful, you still think your a cow in a dress, and then you cry about it. The people who corner you in the oddest places like the bathroom and insist on touching your belly as they gleefully relate to you the horrific story of the 34 hour labor with little "Johnny" who was 15 lbs 7 ozs. All of this drives me crazy beyond belief. But I would still trade places with her in a heartbeat.

I would trade places with her to experience the joy of seeing your baby for the first time on the ultrasound monitor, even the one where all you think you see is a peanut. The quiet comfort of reading about our babies development weekly with my husband before bed. The all consuming hunt for the prefect name for the person that you dream your baby will be. The absolutely amazing experience of feeling your baby move inside you. I still dream of that sometimes. The overwhelming rush of feelings when you hear your child cry for the first time. For all of these feelings again, I would gladly endure all of the bad times ten.

For all the people out there who are going through pregnancy now and just wishing it were over, slow down and savor this moment. I was so eager to reach the next step, so eager for the baby to be born, then for the baby to smile, then roll over, then eat solid foods, then crawl, walk, talk. Now as I sit folding sweet little pink dresses, soft baby blue sleepers and pale yellow onesies for someone else to enjoy, all I can think about is snuggling my little ones all wrapped in their blankets and wishing I could hold them again like that.