I used to care so much about what others think about, I almost didn't have a thought of my own.....

Okay, I know it's been a while, I bet all of you are just perched on the edge of your chairs wondering what's been happening, lol. Life is still bumpy as hell, snapping back and forth, him choosing to withhold child support, (Hah! two words, back support!) taking me off his benefits package at work even though it didn't cost him anything, promising to have his mother watch the kids while I (and this is a direct quote from his mother) "Got my lazy ass of the couch and got off welfare that her tax dollars paid for, " it was a little ironic since the way that she would be able to watch them all day was because she was just laid off work which was the same reason I had been out of a job, but then they said that they wouldn't watch the kids unless they got my engagement ring back. So I put the ring in a Ziploc baggie, handed it to them and proceeded to find other child care. I'll be damned if I lean on them for anything right now. I met with my lawyer, who seems like he can get me what I want, which is really nice. He said I was being really reasonable and seemed to be putting the kids first so he doesn't foresee an issue with the courts, now all we need to do is convince the nimrod of the same thing. Apparently, he and his twit are "in love" (*rolled eyes and gagging noises*) but that's fine, I wish them all the happiness that I had in my marriage ;). I've got to figure out where I'm going though and how to get there. Sometimes, I feel like I'm running as hard as I can just to stay in one place. But....I've been spending some time talking to some old friends, (apparently they liked me but not him, it was funny I always thought (I wonder who put THAT thought into my head) that it was me they didn't like) but through talking with them, I'm feeling more and more like my old self, the PD one (that's pre-douchtard for anyone who's wondering). It's interesting to find myself again, there are parts of me that seem to fit like an old glove, just sliding on and then there are parts of me that I've out grown. I'm starting to feel like a better person, like me. It's like those stupid commercial for some fitness thing, where the person is at a lost and found and the "find" the old them, the thin one, well it's like that, except I'm finding the strong Kelsey, the confident Kelsey, the one who loved life and smiled all the time and could laugh off anything. I know some of this might be destructive but I've kinda started to hate the me that was with him. All I keep asking myself is "How did I let myself get so weak?" "How did it go that far?" "When did just doing what he wanted rather then what I wanted become the norm and become the easy way rather then standing up for myself and telling him it was my life?" and to me, one of the most important, "How could I give up my entire person, all my decisions, all my feelings, almost all my thoughts, to another person, and not just any person, but a person who would treat me so badly?" I let him shape my thoughts, my fears, my hopes and dreams, for what? Why would I do something that stupid? It wasn't love, because I have to believe that love can't let you do that to someone. But I now hate the sniveling, approval seeking, cowed Kelsey, the girl who was afraid of her own shadow, or worse, his disapproval. I will never, ever let someone have that amount of influence in my life again. He can try to play his little control games, tell all his buddies (my friends too) at work that I never let him have the kids when I've offered and he chooses not to take them, hold back support payments, and generally be as much of an ass as he wants, because, baby, the bitch is back and this time, I have no reason to pull my punches. We'll see if he wants to fuck with me now....

I'm standing up for myself...