So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplacable...

There's a funny thing about grief. It's managable, it's cathartic and it's life changing sometimes. I was talking with my mother about this the other day and she asked me, if he came back and apologized, would I take him back, and I thought about it for a minute and then firmly replied that I wouldn't. I'm angry about his treatment of the kids and I'm angry that he didn't feel I was worth trying, but I don't really miss him anymore. I know that I'm better off without him. I've had my crying time, and it's over and I've adjusted to my new life. I am still scared of what's going to happen next and how I'm going to manage, but I don't want him. I deserve way better then what he gave me. I deserve a guy who puts me first like I put him. I deserve a guy who wants to be with me. I deserve a guy who doesn't put me down all the time under the guise of "just joking," who doesn't then try to make me feel worse for not being able to take a joke, but never really takes back the insult. I deserve a guy who doesn't try to control all the aspects of my life, giving me "instructions" on the proper way to do everything, even the dishes and laundry. I deserve a guy who makes me feel like the beautiful person I am, not fat. I deserve a considerate, loving, gentle, man not the selfish, cowardly boy that I married. And in the meantime, I will love myself and I will hold myself in high esteem because I will no longer let someone define me, I'm better then that.

I'm learning to love myself again...