Matt

I know that I haven't posted in a while. I won't bore everyone with what's been going on in my life, instead I'm going to write what I felt compelled to come on here and write.

April is a tough month for me. I lost a few loved ones in this month, some of them young and it makes it a tough month for memories. But I don't think that I'm strong enough to talk about them in this month, not quite yet. Instead I want to talk about Matt.

Matt and I met at his son's birthday. We sat and chatted and had some great conversation while our kids played together. Soon after, he friended me on Facebook and we would exchange emails occasionally, just the general friend stuff and trying to make plans for a playdate with the kids that never really got off the ground.

When I went through the separation, Matt was there for me. He listened to me ramble on and expose all of my hurt feelings. He made soothing noises and told me all the things good friends tell you about yourself when you're going through a break up. He offered to baby sit my kids if I needed him and reached out to me to try and help any way he could in my time of need.

I got through that (as you all know) and Matt and I drifted apart for a while. I thought about reaching out or sending an email but I was always so busy and something always came up. Plus I figured that I wasn't the only one in the friendship and that if he needed me or wanted to talk to me he would reach out to me. Gradually, I thought less and less about him, never really noticing when he dropped out of my world.

Until one day, I was looking for a specific photo of Mackenzie. I looked through all my files trying to find it, checked my Facebook in case I had posted it, but I could not find it anywhere. Then I remembered where it was taken. It had been taken at the party I met Matt at, and I remembered where I had seen it last, on his Facebook. So I logged in, intent on looking up my old friend, figuring I would see how he was doing in the mean time.

Matt had died.

Months earlier, from some sort of sudden health issue, he had passed away at the age of 23. Because I was only friends with him directly instead of sharing a mutual friend, I had never known. It hit me like running face first into a wall.

I procrastinate a lot. I put off things and put off things until, sometimes in the case of people, I feel awkward trying to make the connection again. I let old friendships fade like dried flowers and I just watch as they crumble along the edges, pale reminders of what they used to be. I cherish them, and I would always be there for them but it's never the same once I start letting it slip. I waited too long this time.

So why am I writing this?

I think that I'm trying to remind myself, trying to remember and honour Matt the way he should have been. I think that I'm trying to make myself reach out to the one's that I let slip away, let drift off, because of my introverted nature, or because of my anger or because of my pride.

I think that there are some people who are meant to touch your life briefly, for a shining moment, to show you something about yourself, and I know that a lot of friendships are transitory and have their time and then they're gone. But I also think that if they person has caught me enough that I want to be their friend, that maybe I shouldn't let everything get in the way. In this day and age, really how hard is it to send an email?

Sisters....

Okay so it's not a song title, give me a break here, I just wanted to post really quickly, I'm a big sister again!!! The adoption for Katia went through and my parents and new little (can't call her a baby) sister are coming home!!! I 'm really excited about it all :) but if anyone is wondering, you can visit my parents blog at adoptingkatia.blogspot.com and they have all the details there! YAY! :D

I thought that you might have some advice to give on how to be Insensitive....

Okay so this one has been building for weeks, well two weeks at least, I don't have internet so I've had to vent using spoken word, it was so last century, lol.
Anyways so back to the matter at hand, last week my wonderful ex was unable to be there for the kids when I dropped them off, we had a scheduling conflict with work. So he was not going to be home to take our daughter from me, (he already had Ben as he had picked him up the night before for a special birthday treat) so his solution to this mess was to have me drop Mac off with Krista....yup you heard me right, Krista, the 19 year old "friend" who slept with my husband, yeah that one. I was a little...umm....disturbed by this thought. And so I told him that I wouldn't be comfortable with it, and that I kinda had hoped that he could understand and take my feelings into consideration on this. To which he replied....wait for it...."You should be more considerate of Krista's feelings..."

Ummm....wait, what?

I swear my jaw dropped and my eyes automatically started scanning the room looking for a hidden camera because there was no way that he was THAT stupid, right? This had to be one big joke because no one, and I mean no one, would ask his wife to be more considerate of his mistresses feelings?

And really, I don't think that Emily Post covered this and if she had, I'm fairly certain that the fact that I a) haven't called this girl any of the wonderfully descriptive adjectives or nouns that run through my head or b) hit her, shows that I have more then considered her feelings in this matter. All that I've "done" to her is delete her from my phone and as a facebook friend which has shown the utmost restraint considering I considered her a friend when she started sleeping with my husband. Seriously, if I show anymore consideration, I would need to be nominated for sainthood. But I need to be more considerate of her feelings?

I hereby issue a formal apology to all variety of plants, even the plastic ones, I grossly insulted your intelligence in my former comparisson, and for that I am deeply sorry.

These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate,

"Our lives are made in these small hours,
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate,
Time flies away, but these small hours,
These small hours still remain"

Happy 4th Birthday, Ben!

My weakness is that I care to much, and my scars remind me the past is real...

Sorry for the slow comment moderation, I need to adjust my settings a bit so that I get an email when a comment is awaiting moderation and then we'll be golden. I just want to ability to delete the stupid spam that sometimes gets posted despite my best efforts. And thank you for all your kind words, I appreciate them, my lawyer has sent him a letter stating that if he wants access to the house he needs to write a list of things and then I will consider them and if I want to give them to him, I will allow him access when I am home to retrieve those items, have I mentioned yet that I like my lawyer? 'Cause I do. So things seem to finally be moving forward with the custody date set and the stuff being divided up (although he already took a whole bunch of stuff without my knowledge so him taking more seems laughable).

I think I'm finally feeling confident in the moving on arena of my life, I do still shake my head when I look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking but more then anything I KNOW this is so much better for me, now I have a chance to be with someone who cares for me as I am and who doesn't play all these stupid games, who's more concerned with my feelings rather then just selfishly being focused on them. 

So I'm moving, in like 8 days. Yeah my landlord and ex got together and managed to make it so that I have no choice but to move, so I'm looking at apartments and trying to pack and sort through the junk so that I don't pack his crap, he can get it after I leave. But I checked it out with the authorities and I have no real choice in the matter; however, I do have a choice in where I go *insert evil smile here.* So I am not staying here in this city, see this, this is a very specific finger waving in a certain someone's direction. I've always hated this town and wanted out but there was a time when I was willing to stay so that he would have easier access to the kids, but those times have passed. And yeah, I will not be doing all the driving, right now I do but I usually need him to have the access so I can work, and he doesn't drive (pure laziness not because he can't not even because he can't afford it, my parents gave him his licence as a gift two years back he just could never be bothered when I was there to chauffer him around) so he can figure it out for himself, but it's not my problem. There are buses, like I care if you need to travel that long, I'm not preventing him from seeing his kids, I would never do that, but I don't have to be as helpful as I have been. He wants to make my life this difficult, well then I can move on and get over this niceness where he's concerned.

The great thing about scars, is the skin is less sensitive once they've healed....

Why give up, why give in? It's not enough; it never is....

Okay, so yeah, another Breaking Benjamin lyric, what can I say, I like them. (Oh for everyone who didn't realize, all my post titles are song lyrics, I've thought about asking people to guess but I think that might be too hard, I don't always use well known songs) So on to the new games he wants to play. He got served papers this week past, our court date is September 16th, my brother Nick's birthday, so fingers crossed that it goes well. But in what I think was reaction to my papers (from an actual lawyer no less) and what I was requesting from the courts (things that I've been telling him forever that he may have to pay but apparently having my lawyer agree with him has him all flumoxed) like the chart amount of child support (you would think this would be a no brainer) and part of the bills that he left me to deal with (again, shrubbery level comprehension required) and part of the childcare that I have to pay so that I can work (it's all online so basic research should have returned the information that he will probably have to pay these).  I think all this threw him for a loop and so he's gone back to basic threats. Apparently, his plan is to come in today and take half the stuff in the house while I'm at work. He thinks that he gets to decide which half should be his just because he's special or something. (and before you ask it is officially legal but anything he takes isn't his simply out of the "finders Keepers" rule, we still need to divide everything with the courts regardless of who's house it's residing in) So yeah, I may come home from work today and find half my stuff missing, at this point, I'm just ready to roll with the punches and say come what may, I'll deal with it at that time. I think he's just threatening to get me to panic, but if not, so be it.

I'm getting tired of dealing with this shit....

***Update - Once again, he was full of shit, all threat and no action, but yay I still have all my stuff****

I try to make it though my life, In my way, there's you....

So I survived my first weekend without the kids. It was a little touch and go there for a while, I was extra mopy (And no you cannot ask, how could you tell?) I had a couple of teary moments but I knew they would be fine, I just didn't want to have to deal with it especially on Mother's day weekend, but such is life. On the plus, I got the guarentee of sleeping in on Sunday, YAY! And at least my babies called me which was nice. 

I signed the documents with the lawyers on Thursday so he should be getting served with them sometime this week. At least this will get the ball rolling instead of nothing happening. The sooner that we get everything finalized the happier I'll be. 

He has definately moved in with the twit, despite his protesting that he didn't. When I had asked him, he told me she was staying there on the weekends, which I didn't believe but I just let him lie if it made him feel better, that I'm not overly upset about it so there was no point in creating a fuss and giving him the impression that I give a damn about him and what he does. But he went to all the trouble of creating an incredibally implausible lie (like all his other lies) and feeding it to me to then ignore the fact that he set the phone up in her name and then called me from it. Seriously, someone break out the watering can fast!

He did sign the documents that my landlord wanted him to saying that we would be out by the end of the month, but I checked with the landlord tenent board and they have no binding on me, so I guess I'm continuing on my plan of "let's get evicted" because I can't afford rent with no support or the meger little bit that he gives me. And then he tells me that he's not giving me any this month as he's paying the landlord April's rent which does me no good whatsoever. I would love to pay the landlord some money or find a new place but I have almost no way of getting first and last. My little paycheck barely covers the car, childcare, the way past due utilities and food, there is nothing left over to save. So when I get that notice, I'm still not sure what I'm going to do but at least it will buy me some time to try and figure things out. 

Right now, I just feel like I keep climbing up a hill to get to the top only to find that there's more hill behind it and I can't even see the top....sigh.....