Matt

I know that I haven't posted in a while. I won't bore everyone with what's been going on in my life, instead I'm going to write what I felt compelled to come on here and write.

April is a tough month for me. I lost a few loved ones in this month, some of them young and it makes it a tough month for memories. But I don't think that I'm strong enough to talk about them in this month, not quite yet. Instead I want to talk about Matt.

Matt and I met at his son's birthday. We sat and chatted and had some great conversation while our kids played together. Soon after, he friended me on Facebook and we would exchange emails occasionally, just the general friend stuff and trying to make plans for a playdate with the kids that never really got off the ground.

When I went through the separation, Matt was there for me. He listened to me ramble on and expose all of my hurt feelings. He made soothing noises and told me all the things good friends tell you about yourself when you're going through a break up. He offered to baby sit my kids if I needed him and reached out to me to try and help any way he could in my time of need.

I got through that (as you all know) and Matt and I drifted apart for a while. I thought about reaching out or sending an email but I was always so busy and something always came up. Plus I figured that I wasn't the only one in the friendship and that if he needed me or wanted to talk to me he would reach out to me. Gradually, I thought less and less about him, never really noticing when he dropped out of my world.

Until one day, I was looking for a specific photo of Mackenzie. I looked through all my files trying to find it, checked my Facebook in case I had posted it, but I could not find it anywhere. Then I remembered where it was taken. It had been taken at the party I met Matt at, and I remembered where I had seen it last, on his Facebook. So I logged in, intent on looking up my old friend, figuring I would see how he was doing in the mean time.

Matt had died.

Months earlier, from some sort of sudden health issue, he had passed away at the age of 23. Because I was only friends with him directly instead of sharing a mutual friend, I had never known. It hit me like running face first into a wall.

I procrastinate a lot. I put off things and put off things until, sometimes in the case of people, I feel awkward trying to make the connection again. I let old friendships fade like dried flowers and I just watch as they crumble along the edges, pale reminders of what they used to be. I cherish them, and I would always be there for them but it's never the same once I start letting it slip. I waited too long this time.

So why am I writing this?

I think that I'm trying to remind myself, trying to remember and honour Matt the way he should have been. I think that I'm trying to make myself reach out to the one's that I let slip away, let drift off, because of my introverted nature, or because of my anger or because of my pride.

I think that there are some people who are meant to touch your life briefly, for a shining moment, to show you something about yourself, and I know that a lot of friendships are transitory and have their time and then they're gone. But I also think that if they person has caught me enough that I want to be their friend, that maybe I shouldn't let everything get in the way. In this day and age, really how hard is it to send an email?