Dragonfly

Sisters....

2009-09-06T16:26:00.000-04:00

Okay so it's not a song title, give me a break here, I just wanted to post really quickly, I'm a big sister again!!! The adoption for Katia went through and my parents and new little (can't call her a baby) sister are coming home!!! I 'm really excited about it all :) but if anyone is wondering, you can visit my parents blog at adoptingkatia.blogspot.com and they have all the details there! YAY! :D

I thought that you might have some advice to give on how to be Insensitive....

2009-07-05T20:00:00.003-04:00

Okay so this one has been building for weeks, well two weeks at least, I don't have internet so I've had to vent using spoken word, it was so last century, lol.
Anyways so back to the matter at hand, last week my wonderful ex was unable to be there for the kids when I dropped them off, we had a scheduling conflict with work. So he was not going to be home to take our daughter from me, (he already had Ben as he had picked him up the night before for a special birthday treat) so his solution to this mess was to have me drop Mac off with Krista....yup you heard me right, Krista, the 19 year old "friend" who slept with my husband, yeah that one. I was a little...umm....disturbed by this thought. And so I told him that I wouldn't be comfortable with it, and that I kinda had hoped that he could understand and take my feelings into consideration on this. To which he replied....wait for it...."You should be more considerate of Krista's feelings..."

Ummm....wait, what?

I swear my jaw dropped and my eyes automatically started scanning the room looking for a hidden camera because there was no way that he was THAT stupid, right? This had to be one big joke because no one, and I mean no one, would ask his wife to be more considerate of his mistresses feelings?

And really, I don't think that Emily Post covered this and if she had, I'm fairly certain that the fact that I a) haven't called this girl any of the wonderfully descriptive adjectives or nouns that run through my head or b) hit her, shows that I have more then considered her feelings in this matter. All that I've "done" to her is delete her from my phone and as a facebook friend which has shown the utmost restraint considering I considered her a friend when she started sleeping with my husband. Seriously, if I show anymore consideration, I would need to be nominated for sainthood. But I need to be more considerate of her feelings?

I hereby issue a formal apology to all variety of plants, even the plastic ones, I grossly insulted your intelligence in my former comparisson, and for that I am deeply sorry.

These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate,

2009-06-26T15:37:00.001-04:00

"Our lives are made in these small hours,
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate,
Time flies away, but these small hours,
These small hours still remain"

Happy 4th Birthday, Ben!

My weakness is that I care to much, and my scars remind me the past is real...

2009-05-22T12:13:00.003-04:00

Sorry for the slow comment moderation, I need to adjust my settings a bit so that I get an email when a comment is awaiting moderation and then we'll be golden. I just want to ability to delete the stupid spam that sometimes gets posted despite my best efforts. And thank you for all your kind words, I appreciate them, my lawyer has sent him a letter stating that if he wants access to the house he needs to write a list of things and then I will consider them and if I want to give them to him, I will allow him access when I am home to retrieve those items, have I mentioned yet that I like my lawyer? 'Cause I do. So things seem to finally be moving forward with the custody date set and the stuff being divided up (although he already took a whole bunch of stuff without my knowledge so him taking more seems laughable).

I think I'm finally feeling confident in the moving on arena of my life, I do still shake my head when I look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking but more then anything I KNOW this is so much better for me, now I have a chance to be with someone who cares for me as I am and who doesn't play all these stupid games, who's more concerned with my feelings rather then just selfishly being focused on them.

So I'm moving, in like 8 days. Yeah my landlord and ex got together and managed to make it so that I have no choice but to move, so I'm looking at apartments and trying to pack and sort through the junk so that I don't pack his crap, he can get it after I leave. But I checked it out with the authorities and I have no real choice in the matter; however, I do have a choice in where I go *insert evil smile here.* So I am not staying here in this city, see this, this is a very specific finger waving in a certain someone's direction. I've always hated this town and wanted out but there was a time when I was willing to stay so that he would have easier access to the kids, but those times have passed. And yeah, I will not be doing all the driving, right now I do but I usually need him to have the access so I can work, and he doesn't drive (pure laziness not because he can't not even because he can't afford it, my parents gave him his licence as a gift two years back he just could never be bothered when I was there to chauffer him around) so he can figure it out for himself, but it's not my problem. There are buses, like I care if you need to travel that long, I'm not preventing him from seeing his kids, I would never do that, but I don't have to be as helpful as I have been. He wants to make my life this difficult, well then I can move on and get over this niceness where he's concerned.

The great thing about scars, is the skin is less sensitive once they've healed....

Why give up, why give in? It's not enough; it never is....

2009-05-19T11:25:00.003-04:00

Okay, so yeah, another Breaking Benjamin lyric, what can I say, I like them. (Oh for everyone who didn't realize, all my post titles are song lyrics, I've thought about asking people to guess but I think that might be too hard, I don't always use well known songs) So on to the new games he wants to play. He got served papers this week past, our court date is September 16th, my brother Nick's birthday, so fingers crossed that it goes well. But in what I think was reaction to my papers (from an actual lawyer no less) and what I was requesting from the courts (things that I've been telling him forever that he may have to pay but apparently having my lawyer agree with him has him all flumoxed) like the chart amount of child support (you would think this would be a no brainer) and part of the bills that he left me to deal with (again, shrubbery level comprehension required) and part of the childcare that I have to pay so that I can work (it's all online so basic research should have returned the information that he will probably have to pay these). I think all this threw him for a loop and so he's gone back to basic threats. Apparently, his plan is to come in today and take half the stuff in the house while I'm at work. He thinks that he gets to decide which half should be his just because he's special or something. (and before you ask it is officially legal but anything he takes isn't his simply out of the "finders Keepers" rule, we still need to divide everything with the courts regardless of who's house it's residing in) So yeah, I may come home from work today and find half my stuff missing, at this point, I'm just ready to roll with the punches and say come what may, I'll deal with it at that time. I think he's just threatening to get me to panic, but if not, so be it.

I'm getting tired of dealing with this shit....

***Update - Once again, he was full of shit, all threat and no action, but yay I still have all my stuff****

I try to make it though my life, In my way, there's you....

2009-05-10T22:58:00.003-04:00

So I survived my first weekend without the kids. It was a little touch and go there for a while, I was extra mopy (And no you cannot ask, how could you tell?) I had a couple of teary moments but I knew they would be fine, I just didn't want to have to deal with it especially on Mother's day weekend, but such is life. On the plus, I got the guarentee of sleeping in on Sunday, YAY! And at least my babies called me which was nice.

I signed the documents with the lawyers on Thursday so he should be getting served with them sometime this week. At least this will get the ball rolling instead of nothing happening. The sooner that we get everything finalized the happier I'll be.

He has definately moved in with the twit, despite his protesting that he didn't. When I had asked him, he told me she was staying there on the weekends, which I didn't believe but I just let him lie if it made him feel better, that I'm not overly upset about it so there was no point in creating a fuss and giving him the impression that I give a damn about him and what he does. But he went to all the trouble of creating an incredibally implausible lie (like all his other lies) and feeding it to me to then ignore the fact that he set the phone up in her name and then called me from it. Seriously, someone break out the watering can fast!

He did sign the documents that my landlord wanted him to saying that we would be out by the end of the month, but I checked with the landlord tenent board and they have no binding on me, so I guess I'm continuing on my plan of "let's get evicted" because I can't afford rent with no support or the meger little bit that he gives me. And then he tells me that he's not giving me any this month as he's paying the landlord April's rent which does me no good whatsoever. I would love to pay the landlord some money or find a new place but I have almost no way of getting first and last. My little paycheck barely covers the car, childcare, the way past due utilities and food, there is nothing left over to save. So when I get that notice, I'm still not sure what I'm going to do but at least it will buy me some time to try and figure things out.

Right now, I just feel like I keep climbing up a hill to get to the top only to find that there's more hill behind it and I can't even see the top....sigh.....

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like....

2009-05-03T10:11:00.002-04:00

So it's time to update the latest, although this one is curtousy of the rumor mill via a friend. So he moved into his new place yesterday and according to the rumor mill, she moved in with him. When I asked him about it (I feel I have a right to know who's around my kids) he said that she would be living there on weekends, which makes no sense at all since normally she lives fairly far away (another city) from work and she doesn't drive. But apparently I have the word "STUPID" tattooed on my forehead in invisible ink that only he can see because he expects me to believe the steaming load of horseshit he just piled on. *rolled eyes* Yeah, right.

From the same rumor, he has been giving two different stories around his workplace. In one, he's been giving me tons of money but I've been squandering it on something and that's why I can't pay rent and so he is not planing on paying me anymore support. And in the other, he is planning on not giving me any more support in an effort to stress me out to the point of a nervous breakdown so he can have custody of the kids or (yes, he has a plan B, miracles can happen) plans on making me look unfit because I'm not able to keep up with the bills and stuff. I'm really not sure how this plan is going to work since the courts are probably going to look at him and say "Okay so she was so unfit that you left her in sole custody of the children for two months before you decided that it was a dangerous situation and (in the case of option 2) you're not giving her any money and then claiming that she is financially unable to care for them?" Why does he not see this? Why is it obvious to every one else but him? And I will be honest here, it all kinda hurts a bit, mainly because I couldn't pull this crap on someone I hated let alone someone I claimed to have loved who didn't really do anything to hurt me. All of it really makes me doubt that he ever loved me at all and I'm not really sure how I feel about that.

And while you're outside looking in, describing what you see, remember what you're staring at is me

2009-04-30T19:15:00.002-04:00

So I know, I've been really lax in posting lately, and I could make excuses about not having anything to say but that's just not the truth. Honestly, with everything that went on at the begining I was always completely honest at all times with my feelings but now with him digging in his heels about custody all of a sudden, I got really scared (although yay! I go sign court documents on Thursday!). I just started to feel really paranoid and thought that the world was against me for a few days and then even if the world (and all my super nice readers :) p.s. Jay, I totally agree) wasn't against me, there was the idea that he could try and use some of my posts against me. (This is something that happened to my bloggy friend, Rubi and she had to make her blog private and I don't really want to have to do that and be all suspicious and everything, although she had very good reason) So yeah, the long and short of it is that I will now be editting some of what gets posted here so for those people who I know are my friends, I'll tell you the whole story later ;) but suffice to say, with the exception of having to deal with the mentally challenged (although maybe this is insulting to the mentally challenged, sorry Char, who by the way works with mentally challenged just to clear that up so I don't sound like I'm calling her mentally challenged!) my life is actually going really well.

I pick myself off the floor and now I'm done with you....

2009-04-28T18:49:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I know, I've been bugged for a new post by a few people now so I guess it's only fair, (although kinda sucks to be the people who bugged me because they've already heard most of this :P). Anyway, his newest thing is that he thinks I should volentarily give him custody, just like that. When I managed to pick my jaw off the floor to tell him "no," he told me I should think about it because I "obviously wasn't handling this well" and "it would be easier on me." Okaaay, like I trust you to have my best interest at heart. All I managed to choke out in my rage was a terse, "I've never taken the easy road" and I left it at that, but even now it just makes me so mad! Really, paying me support will make your life that hard? Why in god's name do some idiots think taking care of two children full time, all the time, is easier and cheaper then the meager amount of support that they're required? And before any single dad's out there get insulted, I'm not talking to you really, I'm talking about they type of parent who leaves, sees their kid about 6-12 hours a week by their choice (I've offered way more time then that) and then all of a sudden thinks that they're parent of the year and can do a way better job. *rolled eyes* You know what would make my life easier, if he didn't fight me over every penny especially since I'm asking for the bare minimum according to court guidelines. He then proceeded to tell me all the ways that he is a better parent then me and all the ways that I suck at parenting, and all I can ask myself is "why now?" is it because I finally have a lawyer and am ready to play hardball that he thinks he can step in and push me around again? Try to make me give in to his way of doing things yet again? Yeah, not this time.

And the next time we talked, he got all upset because I deleted him off Facebook. Seriously? He kept asking my why I would do something like that, and all I could reply with was "Because you slept with a teenager? and honestly, I don't want to be your friend." Sigh, my mom likes to joke that if he got any dumber, he'd need to be watered and I'm thinking it's time someone bought him a watering can.

I am seriously sick of this shit.....

I used to care so much about what others think about, I almost didn't have a thought of my own.....

2009-04-11T11:03:00.002-04:00

Okay, I know it's been a while, I bet all of you are just perched on the edge of your chairs wondering what's been happening, lol. Life is still bumpy as hell, snapping back and forth, him choosing to withhold child support, (Hah! two words, back support!) taking me off his benefits package at work even though it didn't cost him anything, promising to have his mother watch the kids while I (and this is a direct quote from his mother) "Got my lazy ass of the couch and got off welfare that her tax dollars paid for, " it was a little ironic since the way that she would be able to watch them all day was because she was just laid off work which was the same reason I had been out of a job, but then they said that they wouldn't watch the kids unless they got my engagement ring back. So I put the ring in a Ziploc baggie, handed it to them and proceeded to find other child care. I'll be damned if I lean on them for anything right now. I met with my lawyer, who seems like he can get me what I want, which is really nice. He said I was being really reasonable and seemed to be putting the kids first so he doesn't foresee an issue with the courts, now all we need to do is convince the nimrod of the same thing. Apparently, he and his twit are "in love" (*rolled eyes and gagging noises*) but that's fine, I wish them all the happiness that I had in my marriage ;). I've got to figure out where I'm going though and how to get there. Sometimes, I feel like I'm running as hard as I can just to stay in one place. But....I've been spending some time talking to some old friends, (apparently they liked me but not him, it was funny I always thought (I wonder who put THAT thought into my head) that it was me they didn't like) but through talking with them, I'm feeling more and more like my old self, the PD one (that's pre-douchtard for anyone who's wondering). It's interesting to find myself again, there are parts of me that seem to fit like an old glove, just sliding on and then there are parts of me that I've out grown. I'm starting to feel like a better person, like me. It's like those stupid commercial for some fitness thing, where the person is at a lost and found and the "find" the old them, the thin one, well it's like that, except I'm finding the strong Kelsey, the confident Kelsey, the one who loved life and smiled all the time and could laugh off anything. I know some of this might be destructive but I've kinda started to hate the me that was with him. All I keep asking myself is "How did I let myself get so weak?" "How did it go that far?" "When did just doing what he wanted rather then what I wanted become the norm and become the easy way rather then standing up for myself and telling him it was my life?" and to me, one of the most important, "How could I give up my entire person, all my decisions, all my feelings, almost all my thoughts, to another person, and not just any person, but a person who would treat me so badly?" I let him shape my thoughts, my fears, my hopes and dreams, for what? Why would I do something that stupid? It wasn't love, because I have to believe that love can't let you do that to someone. But I now hate the sniveling, approval seeking, cowed Kelsey, the girl who was afraid of her own shadow, or worse, his disapproval. I will never, ever let someone have that amount of influence in my life again. He can try to play his little control games, tell all his buddies (my friends too) at work that I never let him have the kids when I've offered and he chooses not to take them, hold back support payments, and generally be as much of an ass as he wants, because, baby, the bitch is back and this time, I have no reason to pull my punches. We'll see if he wants to fuck with me now....

I'm standing up for myself...

All I want is the wind in my hair, To face the fear but, not feel scared....

2009-03-31T23:20:00.002-04:00

So it's been a while, but there hasn't really been much to update on the last post. He changed his mind a bit and now says that he's going to pay the bills directly like I'm an addict or something and can't be trusted to put my kids interests first and you know, keep the heat on. *Rolled eyes* However, he actually has yet to do that to the best of my knowledge. He got paid on Friday though, and I have yet to even see the small amount he promised me. I found out why he had such a snit fit though, he found out that with some money that was given to me specifically to "do something for me" from my Dad, I went to Bingo (seriously not my game, lol, a friend of ours goes and she invited me so that I had something to do). I'm not sure if he got pissed because I was out with "our" friend, or that I spent money, or that I was out period, not that it really matters, what I do is no longer any of his business, I don't ask what he spends on his twit or at the bars. He doesn't want to talk to me and refuses to keep me updated but still thinks that he can order me around, saying things like "I'm taking the kids this weekend" in an abrasive tone, all he would need to do is add "right?" to the end of the sentence and there would be no problems. And then when I start getting angry at how he continues to treat me, well, I'm just not being "reasonable." I'm a bit happy because I (finally) got a job that starts Monday. It will be nice to see some old friends and meet new people and actually have a life outside my kids again. But a lot of things are still really painful. Ben breaks my heart. He wants Daddy to come back and when he talks to him, he never wants to hang up the phone. He tries to call him back over and over again. It's gotten to the point that the calls are sporadic and since after two calls, HE turns his phone off so that Ben can't call back and Ben gets sooo upset that I'm thinking we might need to stop them completely. I am also getting ticked that he calls but never leaves a message. I never know if he wants to talk to me or the kids (again, not that he really talks to me but still, it would be nice to know before I had to call back). I'm just tired of having to console Ben all the time, I just wish this was all over, he explodes now at the smallest things, freaking out if things aren't going exactly how he expects, and then if I reprimand him, he sobs like his little heart is breaking and I end up consoling him again. I'm just getting really tired of this ride, I want to get off now.

You don't even know the meaning of the words 'I'm sorry," You swore you would love me until you died, Far as I know you're still alive....

2009-03-24T09:19:00.002-04:00

So Mr Hyde has come back. After telling me last night that he "knew" I was trying to get him fired because his 19 yr old twit's husband told her, he told me that rather then paying the rent this month like he promised (which really by now haven't I learned that he can't keep his promises?), he's planning on giving me $150.00 and that's it. I still have hundreds of dollars of past due bills, and practically everything that he's given me has gone to that so far but you know, hey, me and the kids are good at surviving on "Roast of Ghost and Shadow Soup" and besides he has a 19 yr old twit and her son to take care of now, who needs Family 1.0 when you can get Family 2.0?!? I tried to explain to him that in the end, paying me a bit now and having me be reasonable and trying to work this out with a minimum of Lawyers vs. a $2,000 retainer and $250 an hour where I will be going for spousal support, for him to take over half of the car loan with his name on it and Child support plus half of the daycare costs, yeah well, lets just say if it goes to lawyers and I have to spend that kind of money welll, I'm not going to 'resonable' and 'understanding' anymore.

I'm getting really angry.......

We can't go on together, with suspicious minds

2009-03-22T08:36:00.003-04:00

You know the saying, "It's not paranoia if an invisible demon is about to eat off your face?" No? Okay, well the point still stands whether you've heard of it or not. As time goes on, I'm slowly finding out that I was married to the scum of the universe. I got a phone call last night, someone was looking for him. No, it wasn't a woman, but it was her husband's best friend who lives with them. Apparently, she had admitted earlier that night that she slept with my soon to be Ex husband and destroyed her own marriage. After this friend got her husband calmed down, he called here looking for my scum to give him a peice of his mind and to make sure that I knew so that I could be safe and protect myself. So I had to tell him that our marriage was already over and that he moved out but I gave him his cell number. Scum deserves to be at the very least yelled at. The thing that makes me most angry is that I though she was my friend. There are days that all I can think is I must have an invisible sign or something say "please take advantage of my trust, hurt me." I just confirmed it with him. Why can't he just pick up at a bar like any other man whore? Instead he needs to sleep with people I called friend. Scum.

I hate people......

So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplacable...

2009-03-20T11:22:00.003-04:00

There's a funny thing about grief. It's managable, it's cathartic and it's life changing sometimes. I was talking with my mother about this the other day and she asked me, if he came back and apologized, would I take him back, and I thought about it for a minute and then firmly replied that I wouldn't. I'm angry about his treatment of the kids and I'm angry that he didn't feel I was worth trying, but I don't really miss him anymore. I know that I'm better off without him. I've had my crying time, and it's over and I've adjusted to my new life. I am still scared of what's going to happen next and how I'm going to manage, but I don't want him. I deserve way better then what he gave me. I deserve a guy who puts me first like I put him. I deserve a guy who wants to be with me. I deserve a guy who doesn't put me down all the time under the guise of "just joking," who doesn't then try to make me feel worse for not being able to take a joke, but never really takes back the insult. I deserve a guy who doesn't try to control all the aspects of my life, giving me "instructions" on the proper way to do everything, even the dishes and laundry. I deserve a guy who makes me feel like the beautiful person I am, not fat. I deserve a considerate, loving, gentle, man not the selfish, cowardly boy that I married. And in the meantime, I will love myself and I will hold myself in high esteem because I will no longer let someone define me, I'm better then that.

I'm learning to love myself again...

Hate

2009-03-18T13:38:00.002-04:00

A lot has been going on but I just don't feel up to writing it all down right now, so I'll leave you all with my new favorite song by Plain White Tees

You were everything I wanted
You were everything a girl could be
Then you left me brokenhearted
Now you don't mean a thing to me
All I wanted was your
Love love love love love love

Hate is a strong word
But i really, really, really don't like you
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you
Brought you around and you just brought me down
Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you
I really don't like you

Thought that everything was perfect
Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
Thought you thought that I was worth it
Now I think a little differently
All I wanted was your
Love love love love love love

Hate is a strong word
But i really, really, really don't like you
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you
Brought you around and you just brought me down
Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you
I really don't like you

Now that it's over you can't hurt me
Now that it's over you can't bring me down
All I wanted was your
Love love love love love love

Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you

R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me.....

2009-03-14T09:15:00.002-04:00

So yesterday, Brian came to visit with the kids. He emailed me after I had posted. Because I wanted him to see the kids, and because I wasn't doing anything else, I said it was fine. In the same email, he also stated "When I am there I want to play with my children alone. So you can go to the store or go upstairs or something" I had replied back with a comment about while I planned to give him alone time, I wasn't going to stay hiding, if I needed to come down to the kitchen or something I would. I didn't get anything back but I assumed that everything was fine. So first, a friend of mine that also works with him shows up, she asks if she can store her carseat here while she goes shopping across the street. I told her I didn't see a problem with it and she and her son came in (he's about the same age as Mac). Then Brian showed up and I was a little torn, I couldn't really leave my friend but I wanted to give him some privacy, so I figured that I would talk with her for a bit and when she left I would go upstairs. So time came (about 20 min later) that she was leaving and Brian stands up and says he's going too, WTH?!? Ben, of course, wants to go as well and I got asked and said okay, Mac started fussing to go to and when they hit the door, I asked if they intended to take her too (they hadn't). So they leave.
So around 8:30 (after their bed time) I wanted to know when they were coming home, so I called, no answer, I finally get a call back 15 minutes later and all I asked was that they maybe come home soon since it was past the bed time. I got a snippy reply but they were headed home. Now when he got here, my house was clean, all the toys were picked up, and everything was neat. After he had played with them, it was a disaster. Toys were everywhere! So when he got back with the kids, I asked him if he could please pick up the toys. That's when all hell broke loose. He snapped, and made a snarky, disrespectful comment to me, something about having cleaned up after me for all this time so why should it be any different now. And I called him on it. I told him that he had no right to talk to me that way and he snapped back that he could talk to me any damn way he wanted to. I'll be honest, at that, my temper snapped and I demanded that he get out. He told me that since he paid rent, it was his house and he could do anything he wanted. It took me 15 minutes to get him out of the house, with our kids clinging to me screaming while he did his best to push me around and control me yet again. This is the man who supposedly loves his kids so much that since he left last week, he's spent 4 hours with them, and I have been bugging him for that. He calls me last minute usually giving me no more then two days notice for when he wants the kids and in his mind, there is no question that when he says he wants the kids, he's going to get the kids. I want my kids to spend time with their dad, I know that the need it and I know that it's what's best for them, but I dislike that I have to feel like I'm pulling him into it kicking and screaming or that I have to have no life in case he wants to see the kids. Our kids are not a toy that he can take out of the box when he wants to play with them and just put away when he's finished. And although he no longer has to pretend to love me, he does have to treat me with respect.

I'm getting my pride back.....

So take another look at me now, cause it's your last look....

2009-03-12T09:58:00.002-04:00

So I've got a bit of a theme going with my titles, and no this one doesn't mean that I'm going away, it's more so directed at him. We're running into some logistics issues. Ben's not doing great, he's still sweet and loving and trying hard to be good, but where we used to run into the odd little stamping feet tantrum, now it's turned into a full body all out expression of pure rage. I think we need to look into getting him to a therapist, maybe just to help him with things. He'll so things like straighten all the blankets in the living room and then look at me and say, "So Daddy is proud of me when he comes home" or he won't sleep until nearly midnight so that he can keep coming up to me to make sure I'm still here and tell me he loves me or get a kiss and hug. So I told him that he needs to visit the kids at home for a bit, to try and work into this, of course that's not good enough for him, he says we'll do both. I hate how he needs to control everything. And now it's thursday and he has yet to tell me what days and for how long he'd like to visit the children. And for once, I'm going to take my mother's advice and I'm going to play the game. It is not my responsibility to chase him down and bug him until he gives me an answer so I'm making plans and he's just going to have to work around them. Right now, I'm waiting to hear back from my mom, to see if she's visiting on Saturday, and if she get's back to me first well, he'll be SOL, because I will not be sitting around on tenderhooks waiting for him to call before I decide what to do with my life.

I'm done waiting for him.....

I love myself today, not like yesterday....

2009-03-11T10:58:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the little pity party I threw myself yesterday everyone. Admittedly, I guess, it was one of the facets of what I'm going through and since I'm trying to post daily and keep a fairly accurate version of what I'm feeling and dealing with I guess it wasn't too out of place. But none the less, sorry. It just really hurt to hear that he's happier and I think one of the big things that I'm having problems with is that he was my best friend too, so not only did I lose my husband, lover and supporter, I also lost my best friend, confidente and emotional support. I know that those circumstances can make some of the best marriages but when it all falls to shit, it leaves me wandering around, either bothering people that I'm friendly with but have never really crossed the line with, talking the ear of any family member who will paste a "I'm slightly interested/sympathetic" look on their face, looking up people that I haven't really talked to in forever, or venting into the vast nothingness of the internet and although I appreciate all the support and kind words and loving thoughts that everyone has passed to me, what I really want to do is talk to my best friend or my husband, but he's the one who's doing all this to me so he's not really able to offer me any comfort. And all that does is make me angier and sadder, I'm just tired of this ache in my chest. The only time my heart should hurt this bad is if I was having a heart attack....

I miss my best friend.....

It's my (pity) party and I'll cry if I want to.....

2009-03-10T23:04:00.003-04:00

I think I must have married the most selfish person on the face of the planet. Why can't he think of anyone else? Why is his only reasoning for destroying our lives his happiness? I'm sorry, but you're unhappy is just not a good enough reason for this shit. Why was I not good enough for him to try and work on it? What was I doing that made his life so horrible that all of a sudden, he's left and he's happier? And you can't tell me that it's him and not me. I must be doing something and it was enough to make him want to leave his kids and me. And he loves the kids and they make him happy so how much unhappy was I causing him that it outweighed the happy of the kids? Why am I unlovable? What's so wrong with me that it was worth destroying our family and hurting our children to get away from me?

I hate myself.......

At First I Was Afraid.....

2009-03-09T21:41:00.002-04:00

So the kids had their first visit with Daddy. I came home and nearly started bawling and I was shaking and then I started cleaning. When I get upset, I clean. It's kinda weird. Considering cleaning is like one of my most hated things on earth the fact that I throw myself into it with such vigor when upset is kinda confusing to me. I even start enjoying it. But now that the kids are home, and tucked safely into bed, my stomach is still tied in knots and everything about my new situation seems oddly more real. For the first time in a few nights, I'm home again and alone again.

I think I hate my new life.......

Smile though your heart is breaking....

2009-03-08T11:06:00.002-04:00

So I've been thinking that maybe I should retitle this blog The Diary of a Mad White Woman.... nah...doesn't really have the same flair. It's weird, usually I'm a very private person and although I have a blog, I rarely ever posted regularly, in fact it used to be a special occation if I posted more then twice a month, but now I find myself compelled to write every day. (so far at least) It seems to help cleanse my soul and I've been really appreciating the outpouring of support that I've received via the internet. Everyone has been really, really sweet and nice. I've been having a few issues lately. Most of the time, I'm angry, so angry, but at night, especially after the kids are in bed and I'm alone, either wandering around the empty feeling house or lying in bed desperately wishing for sleep, I miss him so much.
Everyone I know, that knows the both of us, tells me that I'm better off without him, that I'm strong and that I will survive this, and I know I will. It funny, either I'm overcompensating or less tense about my family situation now that it's in shambles, but my relationship with the kids seems better then ever. In this last week, I haven't had one bad day with Ben. We talk and laugh and cuddle and all and all if I wasn't dealing with this divorce, I'd say I was incredibally happy. But there's a little bit of a downside to all the happy, Ben keeps making plans. All day at random times, he says things like "Can we do ___, just you and me and Daddy and Mackee?" and I have to tell him "we'll see" or "Maybe." Or he'll ask if Daddy will be home from work when we get home and I have to remind him that Daddy is staying at grandma's to "help" her for a while.
But I think that what I'm most sad for is the broken plans. Whenever, I was home alone with the kids and feeling down or tired or lonely during their naps, I would make plans in my head of fun things we could do, like trips to the zoo, or the science center, or even just the duck farm, and all of my plans included Brian. I loved how he loved going to the zoo with the kids almost as much if not more then the kids. I loved fantasizing and planing about that trip to Montreal that we were kinda planning or the trip to Chicago with just the two of us. I loved planning all these things and now that's all they'll be, plans. We'll never go to Disney world, or camping or even just sit at home and play Wii anymore. From now on, it will just be me and Ben and Mac. And I hate that.
I hate that I never quite realized how much I looked forward to him coming home at night. I loved to hear about his day and I loved to tell him about mine. I loved to watch our favorite programs together and talk about them, or talk about our hockey pool. I live a very secluded life, home alone with the kids all day. I don't have a lot (or well almost any) of friends in the area and all the friends that I did have were people that he works with which puts them in a hard place and I don't want to do that to them. I also think that they were primarily his friends and I was just the wife of one of their friends. So at night after everyone is in bed, I wander aimlessly trying to find someone or something to occupy my time. Even talking on the phone to the few friends I have isn't really the same. I want someone in the house.
I miss him.....I hate him.....

Reality is starting to sink in....

2009-03-07T20:20:00.002-05:00

So I think the fact that this new life he chose stinks is starting to sink in. He wanted me to drop the kids off tomorrow at nine AM and then pick them up sometime in the evening. But we don't have any sort of custody agreement set up, so many people who are more experienced in this sort of thing and much wiser, have all advised me that to do so would be very, very foolish. Apparently when there is no custody agreement in place, possesion is 10 10ths of the law. So if I drop my kids off, there is a chance that I can't pick them up again. And my chances for getting custody if he's the primary caregiver decreases greatly. So I had to feel like the biggest bitch in the world and tell him that I was not going to drop off the kids. I tried my best to compromise and I told him that he could come to the house and play with the kids all day if he wanted. He freaked out over the phone and yelled something about me not keeping him from his kids, and then he hung up. I was seriously not trying to screw him. But the whole thing made me and my parents both very nervous. So they asked me to come up and visit. So I'm up in Grimsby for a few days, I've set up my phone for call forwarding to their number and I'm going to go to a lawyers on monday. However, in an odd, niggling suspision, he hasn't called yet to see about setting up a time. Maybe it isn't paranoia when you're right......

Unfair Play

2009-03-06T21:57:00.003-05:00

So I'm here trying to put my life back in order, trying to not emotionally damage my children, trying step by step to work out just how I'm going to manage being a single parent, trying to deal with the hurt and pain caused to me while the douchetard is out "celebrating" the demise of our family, so that our son couldn't even say 'goodnight' over the phone.

I hate him more......

I wanna throw up....

2009-03-06T00:56:00.003-05:00

So, the other shoe has dropped. After fighting and fighting and fighting for it, my husband, the insanely immature, self centered douchetard, has decided unilaterly to end our marriage without talking to me about it. So expect a lot of bitter, angry, scared rants for then next little bit.

I hate him......

Tears and Fears

2009-03-03T10:55:00.002-05:00

So there's a lot of shit going down right now. It kinda blindsided me completely. Suffice to say, I'm not ready to blog about it yet, I keep trying to convince myself that it's not happening and I think a part of me is hoping that if I pretend hard enough, it will go away. But all in all, with the whole being laid off thing, I kinda feel like I was kicked while I was down, and then run over by a truck. If things go the way I pray they will, you'll probably never hear of this again, if not, well, I'll have blog fodder for a while. But end of the day, I might not be around for a bit, (not that I was ever overly consistant) I hope everyone can understand.

Back Off and Let Her Eat Her CAKE!

2009-02-27T15:13:00.004-05:00

*****Warning : I bawled my eyes out at this story so if you're a crier and don't want to cry, you can skip this rant********

I read this story on the Evil Beet here about a nine year old little girl who is dying of leukemia and only has a few weeks to live. Her wish was to have a wedding and her parents gave it to her. In a sweet, little (non legal) ceremony, she and a fellow seven year old patient, exchanged vows to "be friends, forever and ever." She wore a beautiful white dress and got to walk down the aisle in front of her family and friends and then they had a reception afterwards, where they got to eat and dance. In short, she had the perfect fantasy wedding, except instead of wearing a lace doily on her head and having all of her stuffed animals attend, this was a little more realistic.

Now you would think that the story would end here, with the bitter-sweet tears and small amount of empathetic heartache; however, the women over on a site called Jezebel didn't think that her dream was the correct dream for a nine year old. They thought that it wasn't appropriate.

But doesn't "marriage" — the concept, the word, the institution — carry far too
much weight for a nine-year-old? Even in an attempt to indulge a little girl,
aren't you setting up some dangerous truths? Namely, that getting married is the
most important thing a female can do in her life? And that no matter how short
your life is, it's not complete unless you get hitched? ... I guess I just wish
that we lived in a world where little girls dream about being something other
than a woman who promises to honor and obey.

Now I've run across some other stories on Jezebel that I haven't really agreed with, I think the main one was about mommy bloggers, but I may be mistaken there. It got me a little ticked off but I just decided that it was a site not worth reading for me. But this one really bugs me. It's just such a knee jerk feminist response. I understand what they are promoting but I seriously think that they are going about it the wrong way. Just as it is wrong for me to say to a business woman that she is not really a person until she finds a husband, settles down and has a few kids, it's not right for her to tell me that I'm not a person unless I have a fulfilling career.

Feminism has lost it's way I think. There are a lot of feminists out there who believe that if you're not exactly like them, wanting a great career, a high paying job and being entirely self sufficient all of the time, then you're not a Woman. They can't see that I am happy, and fulfilled, being a mom and a wife. To them, I feed the system saying I want to be a stay at home mother. I must be brainwashed or I have a false sense of my place in the world. My dad used to call them feminazi's and he was right, they are just as bad as the other side, making people feel bad if they want a more "traditional" role as a woman, just as men used to try and make women feel bad for wanting a career.

I think true feminism should be allowing a woman to chose her own destiny. Marriage is not all about obedience (I'm actually not sure if that line made it into my vows) and women who dream of and chose marriage are not mindless, or brainwashed, just as women who chose careers are not harden, or bitter. Not everyone out there is looking for the same thing and rather then being critical of someone who is different, I think that we should accept their point of view as another part of life. But most of all, I don't think we should criticize the wish of a dying kid. Jayla, I hope that your "wedding" was everything you hoped it would be.

Would it really smell as sweet?

2009-02-24T13:49:00.004-05:00

So in the world of celebrity news, Melanie Chisholm (aka Sporty Spice) has had a baby girl, and she named her "Scarlett Starr." Yup, you heard me right. The whole thing just got me thinking. Now I'm all for unusual names...ish.

Okay, I'll be honest, I like traditional names, I can't help it. I toy with trendy, more unusual names, but then last minute I chicken out. For example, up until a week before I went into labor, Ben was going to be Jayden Alixander or Rhiannon Alana. I guess it's a good thing he was two weeks late, it gave us time to come up with Benjamin James instead. For Mackenzie, I really wanted her to be Isabelle Mackenzie, but at the last minute, my husband pulled out some sentimental fancy footwork, and she became Mackenzie Amanda (after my cousin who had passed away earlier that year). I swear he knew that if he gave me more then a week to think about it, I would have realized that we could have named her Isabelle Mackenzie Amanda, but he's tricky that way.

But for me, I had to deal with the name Kelsey when it was not at all popular. And to make things a bit worse for me growing up, it's a family name, so there were three of us, all named the same, which makes for a lot of confusion come Christmas time. Anytime that I wasn't around my family, I could fairly safely assume if I heard my name that someone was actually talking to me, but inside my home, there was an equal chance that they were talking to my grandfather or uncle. Yup, that's right, I was named after my grandfather. So I've carried a bit of a distaste for odd sounding names. As I grew up, I did start to appreciate the uniqueness of it, and then there was an explosion of cute little blond pigtailed Kelsey's everywhere!

But I digress, what I really wanted to talk about today was the huge drive that people seem to have today for their child to have a "different" name. There are some that I can understand, places where there is a family name and someone tweaks it so that it the child won't have to deal with the same thing I did of forever answering the wrong call. I can admire the innovation in that. For example, my cousin's child has the middle name Audrianna after my grandmother, to try and freshen up Audrey.

But when I was pregnant with my second, I couldn't think of a boy's name that I liked and we couldn't find out the sex of the baby, so some girls at my work started a list and they asked everyone to think of boys names to try and help me. The list was horrible! Some examples that I can remember were things like, (and please if I offend anyone, I'm sorry, I can't help it)

Stone (was I having a soap opera character?)

Trucker (okay, this one had to be a joke, right?)

Augustian (umm...yeah, I've already saddled the kid with an unpronounceable last name, let's make him the most likely to be mistaken for a foreign exchange student)

Octavian (okay, someone was watching too much Rome)

Balthazar (seriously, I'm going to look at my precious little bundle of joy and give him THAT for a name!?!?)

But the naming trend that I see most often is naming your kids after something you like. Now if this is done right, it's fine. You might have a little explaining to do when your child asks you how you came up with their name but usually, your child will share at least some of your interests. The couple that I know that did this best named their daughter Diana, after Wonder Woman. They love comics and hey, at the end of the day, she can still introduce herself using her first name because it's not like they named her Wonder Woman or anything like that. Which brings me to the worst example that I've seen of this.

I think it all started by accident. Rather, I hope it all started by accident. A couple I knew married and Kurt became the stepfather of Xavier. Kurt (if you're not a bit of a geek like me) is the 'real' name of "Nightcrawler" from the X-men and Xavier is the leader of the X-men "Professor X." Okay, so weird coincidence, then it started snowballing. The first baby was a boy, who was named Logan. Logan is the 'real' name for "Wolverine." Now she's pregnant again. This child has the wonderful distinction of being named Madrox Hunter Achilles if it's a boy. Madrox is the last name of "Multiple Man" in X-men (yes, I did need to look it up but come on!). The naming after technically didn't end there, the child would have the middle names Hunter from Triple H of wrestling fame and Achilles because "we really liked the movie Troy". But if this baby is a girl, the real fun starts (and they will eventually have a girl or have 18 million kids trying). If this child is a girl, she gets to be named either "Phoenix" or "Rogue" or "Storm". Yeah....now I will admit, as things stand with the boys, you have to have a bit of knowledge about the X-men to get the connection and end of the day with the exception of "Madrox" everyone can easily use their first name in whatever endeavors they chose without having people raise eyebrows or pester them how to spell it. But seriously, those girls names are horrible! Older people may miss the connection but now that there are movies out, it will be obvious to so many people! The whole thing just makes me want to shake my head. If you want a team of X-men so badly, adopt pets.

(P.S. I'm really, Really, REALLY sorry if I have offended anyone, I'm not meaning to pick on anyone or make them feel bad but I just felt the need to vent about the seeming over the top silliness of it sometimes. But seriously, again sorry! I think it's just that I feel the name you give your little one, the name that they have to bear for the rest of their life, is just something that should be approached with thought and not just because you liked a movie and thought it would be cute, I mean really, Rogue ___, Attorney ?!?)

Toxic Shock Syndrome

2009-02-20T14:35:00.003-05:00

I know that it is an actual disease, but I'm adopting the term to mean something else. For me, toxic shock syndrome (TSS) occurs when someone that you love and trust (i.e. your mother, grandparent, sibling says something so hurtful, mean and toxic that it sends you into a shock like status. Normally, if anyone else were to say something along the same lines, it would be the end of a friendship and most garner a bitchy response, but since the comment came from a loved one, all you can do is stare at them with a blank look on your face.
Why do people think that being related means that you can say toxic things? It isn't love that says those things. It really bothers me that people do this in the name of love. When loved ones say toxic things, sometimes, all I can think of later was that comment, and how I would have responded to it had it come from anyone else but I bite my tongue because I don't want to hurt or alienate anyone.
One example of TSS, would be the time that my grandmother looked me dead in the eye and simply said "You're getting fat." She's not overly old and there is nothing affecting her mind, but she felt the need to tell me this. I wanted to snap something back, or just leave, instead all I could do was look at her in shock and when I regained my composure a bit, I changed the subject.
My mother is the queen of TSSS (that's toxic shock syndrome statments). The other day, she came into my home to pick up my brother, who had stayed here for a few days. In the course of converstation, she said to me, "Ugh, your house is getting as bad as Amanda's." Now, I need to explain, my cousin Amanda who I loved dearly was not the best housekeeper, in fact she could have gone on that show "How Clean Is Your House?" easily. Her house was disgusting, I think it was the only house that I have ever been in where I did not take off my shoes. Now, I was always polite to Amanda and I would never think to tell her that I found her house repulsive, but this is just to give you an idea on how big an insult this was. Now again, I will admit, I'm not the best housekeeper, with the two rugrats running around, I just try to keep up with the clutter as best I can, but it is seriously not too bad. When I have company over it only takes about an hour to hour and a half to get everything in order and that usually includes washing the floors. If it's just friends who only merit a straightening, it takes about 20 min. I mean frankly, I probably clean more often then she does, given that I have to vaccum like 2-3 times a week. It was just really hurtful and painful to have her tell me that.
Sorry all, I just needed to vent.

(P.S. I think I'm going to keep this background!)

Just call him Alice!

2009-02-19T18:14:00.002-05:00

Last night, I came to bed, only to find it made nicely with a pile of clothes folded neatly at the base. There was a special little figure on my night side table and a soft, decorated blanket drawn over the bottom of the bed. Now before you think what a sweet man my husband is, I think I should tell you that the figure was "The Thing" and the blanket was "Batman". Yup, my three year old snuck into my bedroom after he was supposed to be in bed and made up my room so nicely.

I think I'm raising a housewife....

Mock'd

2009-02-18T21:29:00.002-05:00

Is it a sophisticated sense of sarcasm or just looking on the bright side of life when your three year old runs around pretending to be a ghost in the smoke from a burnt dinner? *sigh*

(On a side note, I think I should find my smoke detectors in my new home and check the batteries because if that amount of billowing smoke won't set them off, nothing will)

The Silver Lining

2009-02-12T15:47:00.002-05:00

So yesterday, I was laid off, indefinately. yay.....!

But on the good news front, tomorrow I have an interview! YAY!

Wish me luck!

Sucess!!

2009-02-11T17:09:00.003-05:00

Okay so I have a bunch of crap going on in my personal life today but I thought that I would focus on the success's of today. As you can see, I have changed my background again, I though that a edgy valentines day theme would be nice. Also I have two new layouts on my new hobby, yay! Char, you'll have to give me your opinion on this one since all I normally get is a grunted, "looks good" from my husband. AND I have a new series of painting ideas!!! now I just need to make them a reality. But on to the reason for my post, Green Cleaning.

I have been experimenting with green cleaning for a while and read tips in a lot of different places. Now for the most part, I'm not huge on putting a lot of extra effort into things (especially cleaning) and I don't like the idea of spending a whole lot of extra money on well, anything, but here are a few easy, cheap tricks that I found that actually SAVE me money!

Microwave - Now I hate cleaning the microwave. So much so that I rarely bother and the last time that it came time to clean it, we got a new one instead (to be honest the top was all bent because someone dropped something on it during a move and it kinda needed to be replaced anyways). But if you have ever left off cleaning your microwave and it's all gunky then you know that it is hard as hell to clean. The last time that I did this, it took me over an hour and my arm hurt forever after all the scrubbing. That time I used the normal household cleaners. This time it took me about 15 minutes total and only about 7 of that was actual work. What you do is fill a bowl about halfway with hot water from the tap and add about a quarter cup of lemon juice (honestly, I just squirted a bunch in so I have no idea how much to put in) then you microwave it for at least 3 minutes, (I did 5 cause it was really bad) and then let it sit for about 2 minutes. Then it's just a simple wipe with a cloth in warm water and everything just wipes right off. I was amazed at how easy this was!

Tub, sink, etc - Anything that you use the powdered bleach on, you can use baking soda on with equal success. The only issue I have with this is that it takes a bit of rinsing to get it all off but it is non abrasive and it won't hurt your hands if your like me and can't be bothered to wear gloves.

Hard water stains - At least, I think this is what they are called. But you know those rare times that your husband gets you flowers? So you put them in a vase and fill it with water but as the water evaporates it leaves marks that are pretty hard to get off. That's what I'm talking about. Anyways, to get rid of it with out using that TV product, whatever it's called, just use a bit of vinegar and hot water. Mix it together, (again, I just squirted so I have no idea how much!) and let it sit for a bit then just wipe it out, seriously it takes all the gunkies off and it makes it sparkle.

Windows, mirrors, etc - So during my pregnancies, I was extremely cautious about using anything I wasn't supposed to and Windex was on the list of "Can't use its" but my husband sucks at cleaning, or rather, just can't be bothered. So I found out, if you mix vinegar in hot water in a Windex bottle and then just squeegee it off, voila, instant clean mirror!

So yeah, I just thought that today, rather then cry and be all upset over the personal junk, I would do my little part to make the world better and share these ideas. Like I said, they're easy and they do work, they help the environment and best of all, they actually save money! Who can't use more of that?

Let them eat cake!

2009-02-05T18:22:00.002-05:00

Okay so I have a confession to make, for the past few days I've been indulging in a guilty pleasure of http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/ . I've actually gone though all of the entries...It's kinda sad. But really, I couldn't help it! So many of the cakes made me laugh so hard I nearly pee'ed my pants! No offense to any cake decorators out there, but seriously! There are like eight phrases that get put on cakes, and they can't manage to spell them right? This was definitely a fun diversion that I recommend...

On a more serious note, BEN REGISTERED FOR JK TODAY!!! (can you tell I'm excited!?!?)

New Hobby

2009-01-30T11:04:00.003-05:00

So after the post a few ago, I was wandering around online, looking to change my blog design, when I wandered on to a site for digiscrapbooking. I started downloading bits and pieces to use in web design and I ran across one site, http://tempusfug.blogspot.com/ that offered a vintage pack free if you used one of their other free packs and sent them a layout. Well, I've never scrapbooked before, there were always too many pieces that my kids would probably swallow and most of my pictures are on the computer anyways. Also, as much as I loved to look at all the pretty stuff in the scrapbooking isle, it just was a little too pricey for me. But this is a lot of fun! There are no little pieces to have to put away, no special glue, and if you make a mistake, all you have to do is hit the undo button.

The picture is my first page. It's of Ben's first skate on real ice skates. He went out on Boxing Day with my dad and Katia, the little girl from the Ukraine that my parents are looking to adopt. I kinda like how it turned out, but if any of my six readers out there know how to scrapbook and can give me some pointers and constructive criticism, I would appreciate it! I think I may have finally found an outlet for all my frustrated creativity that caused the post a few back, finally!

P.S. I used a program that I downloaded at Paint.net (for FREE!!!) to arrange everything because I'm too cheap to buy photoshop. :)

The Routine

2009-01-21T20:17:00.002-05:00

Lately, it's always the same.
It starts at 5PM.
The begging.
The whining.
The bargining.
Just this once...
Come on...
You know you want to....
Please...
Pretty please?
Every day, Ben no longer takes a nap.
And every day, I start begging myself to let me put him to bed at 5.
But I know I have to keep him up until 7.
Or he'll be awake at 3AM.
But oh, I want to.
Pretty please?

Crazy Neighbor Diaries

2009-01-19T15:16:00.002-05:00

My neighbor likes to keep her car clean of snow.
A lot.
She's been seen cleaning her car off at 8AM, just after midnight and even 4:30AM.

Now for the crazy part, she's not going anywhere. She bundles up, brushes off her car and goes back into her house. This is going to be interesting.

The Curious Case of George the Mu-ee

2009-01-12T20:09:00.004-05:00

My kids love impossible toys. This Christmas, Ben was in love with He-man. I blame my husband, the dork. He had to have the box set and somewhere along the way of just showing Ben what daddy used to watch when he was a kid, Ben fell in love. So all Ben would ask for for Christmas was He-man toys. Well, that and for anything he saw on TV or in the store. But if you asked him what he wanted, without any outside stimulus, he would tell you a He-man toy, or roller skates for the ice (he's a dork too). So this was a bit of an E-bay Christmas since He-man toys haven't really been made since the 80's I think. But Grandma came through and we now have He-man, Skeletor, Battlecat, Man-Ram and some hairy thing that my husband knows the name of but I have no clue.

Now, what does this have to do with George, you ask? Well, it rather simple. We purchased a Curious George Xbox game recently and on the back there was an ad for a cute little Curious George stuffed animal that came all dressed up in a few different outfits, like Birthday George, Firefighter George, Handyman George etc. Each came with a special book that was about why George was dressed up and they all looked pretty cute. And Ben has decided that he wants one. He asks me practically every day if he can have one. He has the giggling George that he got for his first birthday and I thought that I could replace him since George has stuffing coming out of his side and is looking rather ratty but it is Mac's new favorite and she insists on carrying around her "mu-ee". So I hit the internet.

All I can find is the old George! He comes in all different costumes, and he's really cute but my kids won't like him. They are a little picky when it comes to George. Because they grew up with the movie and TV show, they only like the George that looks like the one on TV, not the one from the books (although, yes I do read the books to them, they just don't make as big an impression). So despite having 3 Georges (two old original ones and one movie one) they only play with the movie George. So I kept searching, and searching, and searching.

Finally I found reviews on them, telling me how much someone else's kid loves them, but still no one selling them. So I dug a bit more. I found out that they stopped making them in 2006 and ran out of stock in 2007 but that shouldn't be too much of a problem, as long as things are in decent enough condition, I don't care about buying second hand toys especially if they are second hand toys that make my kids happy. So I spent another hour searching site after site, George collectible sites, e-Bay, Amazon, Kijiji, freecycle, and still came up with nothing.

Then I stumbled across an article stating that during the big lead scare all the George toys were tested and all of the toys passed with flying colours, except one line which was immediately recalled. Guess which one it was. Crap.

The Dark side of the Moon

2009-01-09T09:28:00.002-05:00

Okay, let me preface this with I love my children more then anything in the world. I just need to make that known. As much as I keep saying that I'm just waiting for then next circus to hit town and take them away, I wouldn't trade them for the world, most of the time, lol. I love being someones Mommy and watching them learn life. Watching Mac motor cars across the table or hug her baby, or having Ben snuggle up to me and say "Mommy, I love you" well most of the time, it's the highlight of my life.

But...I think there is dark side to motherhood that never really gets talked about. The complete and total submersion of my life and personality in the care of my children. I used to do things, I used to go places, I used to be Kelsey. Now I can't remember the last time that I got time alone without the kids. I always have a kid attached to my hip, carrying them in and out, having them sit on my lap, helping them up on to the couch (Mac is still too short to climb it by herself). The thought of being without at least one of my kids leaves me floundering. When I finally get some time to myself, I suddenly have no idea what to do, I can't seem to shop properly without a fussing kid in a stroller, I'm used to using my free time, stuck in the house while the kids nap, not able to do much more then watch TV or read a few chapters in a book or worse, clean. I can't even paint like I used to because the time is too short for me to actually get anything done. If you gave me a day to myself, no kids, no husband, no responsibilities, I'd probably end up sitting home alone, lost unable to find anything to do and then I'd go do the dishes.

And a part of me really resents that loss of self. I resent feeling like I have to be the best mom possible to my kids, the feeling that, if I don't give 200% of myself, I'll have failed them, sending them off into the world unprepared and hating me. Don't get me wrong, I am not a helicopter mom. I do my best not to hover over them and let them learn to manage. I will help when they need it (like Mac and the couch, man that girl needs to grow a few inches) but in most things, I let them try and fail a few times before I give them some guidance and then I will step back and let them keep trying. I think that they need this, but this isn't what I'm talking about. It's more the complete consumption of my personality for their needs.

I do my best not to resent them for it, and I try not to hate myself for it either, but it's a little hard, and honestly, I do resent a little. But I think that a majority of my resentment has found a home in my husband. I just don't understand how he's resisted. How he is essentially still the same person, yeah he has some more responsibilities now, but he can put them all aside at a drop of the hat. He goes out to a friend's house, or a bar with friends and he's not obsessing about the kids, wondering if the babysitter's doing alright, if the kids are still asleep, or if they're crying for me. He can tell stories that don't start with "This one time, Ben/Mac..." He's not afraid that by being out, he'll miss some cute thing that the kids did, or said. He puts "Daddy" in a box and he's just Brian again. Daddy is a part of him but it is not who he is. It's not the same with me and Mommy.

The other day, he woke up with the kids, and when I woke up (about 45 minutes after Mac) I asked him if he had fed her, and all he could do is laugh and say that with working so much lately that he can't remember how to be a dad. All I could do is stare at him in amazement, floored by the thought of forgetting how to be a parent. At this point in my life, I don't think that I'll ever be able to forget how to be a mom.

At this point in my life, for better or worse, I am Kelsey, I am Mommy.

Wordless Wenesday - "A Pictures worth a thousand words"

2008-12-17T12:43:00.001-05:00

I guess there's no denying that they're mine, huh?

The Wheels on the Bus ... are headed to Crazy town

2008-12-16T10:01:00.002-05:00

Actual car converstations

Brian : Stop kicking my seat, Ben

Twenty minutes later (after many more requests)

Brian : STOP kicking my seat

Brian : Okay, how many times have I asked you, Stop kicking my seat!

Brian : (finally losing patience) I told you to stop kicking my seat! Are you deaf or just plain stupid!?!

Long pause

Ben : (thoughtfully) I think I just stupid...

************

Ben : Look Mommy!

Me : What is it?

Ben : Look!

Me : I can't honey, I'm driving, just tell me what it is.

Ben : (voice filled with awe) Boogies!!!

Me : Ewww! Let me find you a napkin to wipe them on.

Brian : Just wipe it on your sleeve

Me : Gross!! Don't tell him to do that!

Brian : What would you rather he do? Wipe it on his sister?

Me : Stop giving him ideas! I'll be wiping dried boogies off the top of his sister's head forever that way. You don't have to walk though the mall with him most times, the last thing I want is a kid covered in random crusty boogies as I walk though the mall, now help me find a napkin!

Brian : I don't think that there are any left in the car.

Me : Do I have one in my purse, oh! What about a baby wipe? Are they in the trunk of just in......

Ben : (quiet satisfied voice) I eated it.

You have GOT to be KIDDING ME!!!

2008-12-12T22:59:00.002-05:00

Okay I admit it, I can be fairly confrontational when I want to be....Char. But seriously, it makes me sick to my stomach when I have to actively choose to be confrontational when I could really just let it go away. But this time I felt like I was in the wrong since I lost/misplaced the clothes. Regardless, I did end up getting my camera back which is a plus for me, yay! I was more concerned about the books, which there was no sign of since it took me about 5 years to find them all at secondhand book stores since they are all out of print and they were some of my favorites. Can you tell that the reason that I never can find time to post is because I'm usually lost in a book? So I'm a book whore, sue me.

But back to the story-ish. So I'm driving to her house (and seriously, I have wanted to post about her forever! but I had some moral-ish issues about stuff Char knows about with people being mean and the Internet, not that she even knows I have a blog but I've been wrestling with it all the same) with the clothes beside me, all freshly laundered and folded, feeling great about myself because I overcame both the bad influences of my husband, (who can be really mean when he wants to be and who never really liked that family overly much, something about her constant put downs, their kid constantly lying to get Ben in trouble and her husband being a bit too much of a wienie to respect at all....seriously, I need to do a post about them cause, yeah they border just barely on the fun side of dysfunctional) and my own bitter, slightly vengeful side which really just wanted to keep the clothes just because I knew it bugged her (I was kinda planning on donating the clothes to the Goodwill and then letting her know where she could pick them up, see something good... sorta) and at that point I was a little tired of everything that she had done too.

So anyway, I'm driving to do my good deed when WHAM! I got sideswiped by another car!! I am dead serious! It took my driver's side mirror off. I was stopped behind a line of cars at the lights well before the partition for people to use when they turn left and there was a left turn green and apparently, this guy thought I should have moved over more, he practically took my mirror off! AND HE DIDN'T STOP!!! so I never even got his licence plate. So now my mirror is hanging by a little cable, dangling on the side of my car with the glass all cracked and broken.

Just goes to show, no good deed goes unpunished.....damn.

Bigger Person

2008-12-12T14:03:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I was tagged ages ago by Angie, and yeah I will eventually get to that but not right this second. (Mainly 'cause I can't think of 5 interesting things that no one else knows....) But this post is something different then that, I just wanted Angie to know that I wasn't ignoring her:).

Okay so a while ago, I had a friendship break up. It didn't go out with a bang and a fight or by a drifting like they normally do, this one was, well, a little weird. I told her some information that I thought she should know and although she said that she still wanted to be friends and that she agreed that I was right to tell her, things just went "splat" after that. We used to be talking daily, her calling me, but she didn't call again.

She had some of my things, more specifically Ben's camera that he got for his birthday because he forgot it, and about $60 of my books that were borrowed, and I had some of her things, a $10 outfit and a $3 sleeper. I had had them for a while, but it was no big deal, I kept washing them and Ben kept sneaking in and wearing them, but no big deal between friends. So I knew that she was going out of town for a week, but Ben had been asking for his camera and my dad wanted to borrow it for a friend for an upcoming trip, so I asked if I could get it before she went away after a few days of her not talking to me (I thought that maybe she just needed some space but I needed the camera back). She replied that sure I could come pick up his stuff, ummm...I only asked for the camera, but I had better bring all of her stuff back too. I was a little put off by this, I hadn't thought that our friendship was ending just that she needed some time, and honestly, I would have given even more if I hadn't needed that camera. So I looked and searched and searched for her clothes but for the life of me, I couldn't find the shirt. Since she was so firm that I wouldn't get Ben's camera back without the clothes, I was hesitant to contact her again, and sure enough she went on vacation and my need for the camera passed.

So more time passed, and the shirt was still MIA, but she contacted me again about everything, this time threatening me, saying that if I didn't bring her things back the next day, then the day after that she was going to sell all my things in a garage sale. I decided to take my lumps since I did lose her clothes and let her sell everything. I knew that it was the outfit she was more concerned about and since the shorts were just a denim short without the shirt and since she was, well, a little anal about the top of and outfit only ever being worn with the the bottom, I figured that she wouldn't want them back, and well I hate confrontation so I figured letting her sell my $70 camera and books made up for the loss that she took. We haven't talked since. However, I've been moving for the past week and out of nowhere, found the shirt, (it was under my kids mattress, not bed, mattress).

So today, I'm washing them and I'm going to bring them back. Normally, anti-confrontational me would just say, "let it be, it's done" but I really started to think not the typical, WWJD but rather, what would I want my kids to do? My kids are finally getting old enough that I know in a few years, I will be held accountable for my actions by them. I want to be able hold my head high and say, "I know that it's tough but you should do the right thing" and I want them to know that I'm coming from personal experience when I tell them this. I'll let you know how this turns out...

Princess B*tch

2008-11-08T09:24:00.002-05:00

Okay, so it's a bit of an odd title, but I'll explain.

Lately I've been wondering why women these days proudly announce that they are a bitch. I mean when exactly did we, as a society, decide that being malicious, spiteful, hurtful, rude, obnoxious and just downright mean was something to aspire to be?

I mean, okay, I can be very bitchy sometimes, and sometimes depending on the person, I've felt a need to fight fire with fire and lost control, but usually afterwards, I need to talk about it forever just to alleviate the guilt. I guess it comes down to when people are being a little "bitchy" when they're really just standing up for themselves then I kinda understand it but when someone goes out of their way to purposefully hurt another person, it offends me. I think it's a bit like the instigator rule in hockey. If someone hauls off an hits someone, starting a fight, well then both parties get a penalty, because they both deserve one, but the guy who started it gets a bigger penalty cause well, he started it.

I think at one time, it was just used to refer to any woman who was strong and proud as a way of tearing her down because she was threatening to the person who called her that, which is why it sometimes gets used for someone who is standing up for themselves, but a lot of people have jumped on it to not only excuse their behavior but as a crutch to encourage their behavior. I know that everyone has a bad day so I can understand occasionally being "bitchy" but it's the people have created this persona of bitch that they use to hide behind so they can say all the mean and nasty things that come into their mind and just shrug and say "oh well I'm a bitch, what did you expect?"

It just really bothers me that I'm raising a daughter in a world where what was once a really serious insult, is now a compliment.

On the flip side, I don't understand where the word "Princess" got such a bad rap. When I was growing up (and now), I behave like a princess and am proud of it.

Rather then using the word to mean spoilt brat, I looked around at the actual princesses that I knew of. I wanted to be like Princess Di and Princess Grace and even the Queen. They looked, to me, like people who always showed respect to everyone. They expected the best from everyone because they felt that they deserved the best from everyone, but would never lower themselves to anything as common as yelling, shrieking and tantrum throwing, to get their way. They always showed a polite, pleasant face to the world, even when they didn't want to. They were unfailingly poised, graceful, and respectful.

They may be proud but to me, they were full of self confidence but never brash. Their manners were always impeccable. I think that's the main difference between being a loved "princess of the people" and the new "royalty" that's out there. I guess I can sort of understand where the bad connotation came from when I look around at the "role models" populating the media these days, like "princess" Paris Hilton.

It still bothers me that something I once looked at as being a positive has become so negative and something so negative has become something that people are proud of, rather then working to correct. I think I'm going to raise my daughter to be a princess and to be proud of it.

Artwork

2008-11-05T18:16:00.002-05:00

Okay, here's my second attempt....

2008-11-05T14:32:00.002-05:00

This was my first attempt at using a new art program on my compluter that I was playing around with, what do you think?

Definitions

2008-10-31T10:21:00.001-04:00

Ironic - My mother saying that she needed to drive because she thinks my driving is horrible and then getting into an accident.

Depressing - She was driving MY car.

When I grow up......

2008-09-11T15:51:00.002-04:00

I remember playing this game as a kid, dreaming about what I would be when I grew up, maybe a vet in a zoo, or an international spy, or an author, or painter, or sometimes (and this is with no dance training to speak of) a ballerina. And now that I am all grown (sorta), it seems silly to still play it, although there are some things that I dream of being, (and no, it is not the ballerina)(or the spy) but today I saw something that really made me sit up and say, "When I grow up, I want to be like that!"
What was this wonder you might ask? Simple, my year old daughter.
When I grow up, I want to be like her. Perhaps I should explain. While I might love the pampering that she gets daily from everyone around her, what struck me today about her was her courage.
See Mackenzie is afraid of the vacuum, and I don't just mean a little leery, I mean ear piercing shrieks of terror kind of afraid. For the longest time, either Brian or I would have to take her into a separate room and cuddle her through the shrieks as she screamed about the vacuum that was two rooms away. But today, all that changed. I took out the vacuum, and prepared to be deafened, but it couldn't be helped, if I wanted to go out, I needed to vacuum because there was no way I was going to have the babysitter in my house looking like that. As I mentally prepared for the shrieks, my daughter surprised me, instead of her normal panic, after a small squeak of fear, she got up and stood in the way of the vacuum. Even shaking with fear, she dared the vacuum to run her over, giving it a very effective "F U" and refusing to be afraid of it any longer.
Today, I am prouder of my daughter then I could have ever thought. And secretly, I want to be more like her.

P.S. Sorry Char for not posting for a long time, I had a lot of junk going on and one day, if I maybe get some of Mackenzie's courage, I'll post about it, but not yet.

P.P.S. One thing I learned about me today, apparently, I cannot spell the word vacuum, thank god for spellcheck.

Lost Morals

2008-08-07T17:19:00.002-04:00

I know what you're thinking and no this is not about some scantily clothed celeb. Rather it's about a show that I watch every day with my son.
The show has a great premise, it's called "Super Why?" and it's about a group of "superheros" who when they have a problem, they look in a book for the answer. They use their "powers" of spelling, rhyming and reading to help the stories protagonist find their way though the book to a happy ending while looking for "super letters" that make up the answer of their question. Now most of the time, this is a great little show. The super readers will go into a book like "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" and help Goldilocks, who professes her innocence, find out who really was eating the porridge, and sleep in the bed (a wolf in case you were wondering). It's a fun little show.
What I do have a problem with is what they do to some of the stories and the morals that those stories have in them. These stories are a teaching tool and they have been completely watered down to the point of uselessness. Like "The boy who called Wolf, " instead of being eaten in the end (admittedly a gruesome ending but still it's supposed to show why you shouldn't lie) the little boy throws a party for all the villagers to make up for lying. Or "The ant and the grasshopper," instead of the grasshopper not getting to eat because he kept putting off for tomorrow what should have been done today, the ant helps him find food and it turns into helping friends. Or "The Ugly Duckling," the story that's been told over and over again to little kids about not judging on outwards appearances because you never know who's going to be beautiful, and a story of comfort to all the children out there who feel ugly that they may grow up to be a beautiful swan, instead, the ugly duckling, who for some reason is still ugly, can't swim and the super readers teach him how. Huh? Really what is the point in that. I really don't care that they mess around with stories like "Beauty and the Beast" so that the Beast just wants to be friends, or "Sleeping Beauty" where Beauty learns to try new things so that she's not just sleeping all the time. But when you take "The Emperor's New Clothes" and make the emperor feel self conscious and make his own decision to wear clothes, instead of a cautionary tale about not allowing peer pressure to make you do something foolish, you water it down and make it useless.
I love that they are trying to encourage kids to read more and that they are showing the stories to kids and showing how reading can be a superpower. And I love that the whole show is smarter then some of the things out there that actually have lines like "What do they do in the tundra, for fundra, I wondra?" but if you take out all the morals in these stories we're taking away their timelessness and the universally taught lessons. I grew up on these fairy tales and to see them butchered just so that they have a happy ending every time, despite how fake it feels, well it just rubs me the wrong way.

Crappy Birthday to Me!

2008-07-11T22:36:00.003-04:00

Wednesday I turned 26. Not a happy day. For starters, I was not happy about turning 26, (Stop that eye rolling!) it just kinda hit me that I'll be on the thirties side of my twenties and that I have no idea where the rest of my twenties have gone. I feel like I blinked and half my life disappeared. So needless to say, I did not wake up in the best of moods.

Finding Ben cuddled up beside me, taking all of my pillow, drooling on my arm and digging his heels into my belly, did nothing to improve it, feeling a sharp wrenching pain in my neck when I
tried to move, put my mood in a level slightly above foul. (The only reason that it even reached there was Ben's precious "Happy Birfday Mommy!")

So I stumbled out into the living room, after getting to sleep in for zero minutes, only to have my wonderful, dear, loving husband (who BTW is lucky to still be breathing, in fact the only thing keeping him there is that I can't figure out a way to beat the CSI guys) anyway, he starts up
teasing me about being old. Really? You seriously think this is a good idea?

Then he says, rather then doing something sweet like making me breakfast, he says let's go out
for breakfast. Okay, I can see the thought, but really, I'm a homebody, I like being home, I like staying in my pj's until the last possible second. He's the one who likes to be out and about all day but okay, fine, we'll go to breakfast. Then he says, oh but I don't want to eat here, here, or here. Well we live in a small town, that I don't know very well still despite living here for 3 years, although my husband's lived here for many years so I didn't know any other restaurants that served breakfast. And here he is saying, come on think of somewhere you want to go. So we didn't go to breakfast.

Then I dropped him off at work and went to lunch with a friend and our two children each. Lunch was not fun. Ben threw six fits, embarrassing the hell out of me and made our meal generally unpleasant.

So Home for nap time.

Neither kid napped.

The whole time.

I needed a nap.

Not Happy.

So now it was time to pick daddy up. Daddy took a half day so we could celebrate mommy's birthday. Did we go out for diner? No. Did we go out to the movies? No. Did we do anything? No. We had to go get pita's for diner at 4:00, (we normally eat close to 6 and I had eaten lunch 3 hours earlier but Dad was hungry so it was diner time) and a Blizzard from DQ and that was my birthday diner and "cake" and on to home.

Now I had mentioned to my husband that I wanted a nap, especially since I've started to work again, and have late hours. I work from home so Monday and Tuesday, while Ben is at daycare, I work 4 hours during the day and 4 hours 8-12 and then Friday I work 8-12 and then 8 hours on Saturday and Sunday spread between the two days. It's convenient, childcare is at a minimum and it pays fairly well. It's also a long day for me since I wake up at 7 with the kids and don't get any time off to myself except during some naps (on some days) or when Brian gets home (I get some quasi me time since I'm still caring for the kids, I'm just not doing everything) so I needed to get some extra sleep. I mentioned this again to my husband when we got home and he said it was fine and to leave whenever I wanted.

Now as I had previously mentioned, my kids didn't nap, so they were whiny and clingy and
Ben was crying when he wasn't being "snuggle bunnyied" while Brian was using the computer, so I said to myself the peace was needed more then my nap right then, I'll let him use the computer and then when he's off and willing to play with the kids, I'll go nap, two hours later, after I was falling in and out of sleep on the couch, he finally got off the Internet. By then I was too tired to even get up and go into the bedroom, so I passed out on the couch for about 45 minutes before he woke me up to get me to get Mackenzie food and into her seat so he could feed her. What important thing was he doing that this was needed? Playing on the Internet! So I said no and tried to fall back asleep, at which point he threw a fit and said well then we weren't going to do what was planned for the evening which was watch a movie that we had that I had wanted to see. At this point, I'm completely disgusted by his lack parental care so I say I don't care.

On to bedtime, we have a lot of problems getting Ben to stay in his bed. So we take turns, sometimes for up to 3 hours putting him back to bed, usually about 15 times a night. So of
course, after the kids were out to bed, Brian went off and after I had put Ben to bed for about 45
minutes by myself, up every 5 minutes, I told him to go to daddy's room, letting Brian have
a turn so I could have some me time. Well, he comes out and says that daddy's not in his room,
turns out, daddy's taking a relaxing bath.

I finally lost it.Okay, we didn't have a lot of spare money so I didn't get a gift, okay fine. It's not like my birthday snuck up on us or anything or like you couldn't have saved some money but okay fine, no gift. I'm not six and I can deal with that. I'm not even fond of a big fuss over my
birthday, but it would be nice to have something nice done for me. Especially after the big fuss
that I made over his birthday with sleeping in until 10, breakfast in bed, tons of gifts, I made reservations at his favorite restaurants, I gave him a long massage, tons of stuff and every holiday/special day. I get jiped. I pointed all this out to him and let him know how hurt I
was that even if we couldn't get a gift, that he didn't do something special for me, even
run me a bath with candles and bubble bath (since I own all that stuff and it's in the bathroom
already). I tried so hard to show him what I meant but he didn't seem to hear a word of what I was saying. Instead, he turns around and says I'm shallow for only wanting a gift and that btw he doesn't like my pancakes.

WTF???? Come on, that's really all you have to say to me? Now HE'S waiting for MY apology. Hmmmm...I think I need to knit the devil a touque first.

Optional....?

2008-07-08T14:01:00.002-04:00

I have been having an online "verbal" sparring match with a lady over here on Supernanny Rules about a woman who was taken off a plane because she failed to control her children after being asked and in the eyes of the flight crew they were hazardous. During the course of our discussion, I made a comment about how it is our responsibility as parents to teach our children manners and to correct their behavior when needed to which she responded "Manners are societal expectations…they are optional."

Pardon me? I couldn't have heard you correctly, could you repeat that, please? I thought I heard you say manners are optional but that couldn't be right. That is what you said. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way, would you excuse me please, I have a prior engagement. Thank you so much.

Really what can you say to that? "I'm sorry that you want people to think you were raised in a barn?" Because that's what my grandma would have asked me if I didn't show any manners. She would have added that if I was planning on acting like that in public, then I wasn't fit to go out in public and cancelled whatever we had planned that day.

Manners these days do seem to have fallen by the wayside. Gayle discussed it here but this drove me nuts all last night and I couldn't help but add my two cents in. So let's get started!

Door opening: Okay, now I know that this one is touchy what with woman's lib and everything, and honestly I don't expect my husband to open the door for me. Which is not to say that I'm not blushing and smiling non-stop at my husband when he does, just that I don't expect it. But what I do expect is that if you get to the door in front of someone, that you hold it open for them, regardless of sex. To me this is just common courtesy. Now occasionally when I get stuck at church, holding the door for 30 minutes while everyone pours though, I wish someone would
offer to take it from me, and please let it be someone besides the sweet old man who's more
gallant then everyone else. It was sweet of him to offer but I'll handle it in that case. But the number of times that I have had someone drop a door on me as I'm trying to push my double stroller though. GRRR! Just look around and pay attention to other people for once please!

Stopping to Help Someone on the side of the Road: Okay, I'm insanely guilty of this one, I'll admit it. Honestly, it's just because a) I don't own a cell phone, so I can't call anyone for
you and b) it's usually just me and the kids in the car and I am about as mechanically inclined as
a cat. If I stop, then someone who might actually be able to do something may think that the
situation is under control and not stop, so I think it's best. I think what makes my not stopping
worse, is that I have been the recipient of many good Samaritans who I would like to thank.

To the lady who called 911 when I got into my head in collision at 7 months pregnant, thank you.
Your quick action and calm, considerate attitude helped calm me and probably kept my husband from hurting the lady that pulled out 10 feet in front of us and stopped, causing our accident. Thank you.

To the man who not only stopped on the side of the highway to let me use his cell phone to call AAA when my car broke down with my two month old baby inside but also offered to explain to the AAA lady where the La Salle Expressway was as she couldn't find it, Thank you. You helped me to keep my cool and not yell at the lady who was also just trying to help. Thank you.

To the man who got out of his car in the pouring rain to find a crying 8 mos pregnant woman in the car in front of him when my alternator went and I had no power to my car, even for my four ways while I was stuck in an intersection, thank you. You didn't have to get out, you could have just leaned on the horn and given me the finger as you drove by like everyone else and instead you arranged to help me get to a garage and helped me get my car fixed. Thank you.

I know the chances of these people finding my site are slim, but I needed to get that out there, even just to show that there are some good people still.

You're Welcome: Where have these words gone? Did they disappear from our language? I think that I have mainly just been noticing it since my son started to learn his manners but still where are they? I watch as he looks at adults and says "Thank you" only to have to add "You're Welcome" right afterwards since they don't say it and he is trying to learn that that's what you say. It's hard to teach a child manners when he is not learning how to act like most adults but rather how to act better then most adults.

Mr. Mrs. Sir Ma'am: Now this one I struggle with, not for myself but for when and how to teach it to my son. When I grew up, I was not allowed to call an adult by their first name. Period. I remember being a teenager and being asked by my friend's parents for about the bajillionth time to call them "Karen" and "John" to which I would usually reply "I'll try Mr. or Mrs. Smith" I wasn't trying to be obstinate but it was almost impossible for me to go against my upbringing and call them by their first name. We insist that Ben call his "teacher" (daycare) Miss Angie but we don't know when to start making this an issue for our friends. That and I'm not sure I want his friends trying to call me my unpronounceable last name.

********

It's hard enough these days to raise kids, with everyone and their neighbor offering an opinion and I understand that, but come on, please make the effort. Set your kids up for success by giving them basic manners so that they can sail through the world and not need to scream and throw a fit to get their way. I have found in so many cases that when I handle the issue with a polite attitude and grace versus my husband's method of getting upset, that I usually get what I want done and I get it done faster. Common courtesy is becoming extinct but if we all teach our children it, then maybe we can keep it alive. All that compassion that the commenter kept rebuking us for not having, well manners play a part in that since all they are is simply looking around and treating others with the same considerate attitude that you want to be treated with. You'll also find that sometimes you need to give before you can receive and if you show the world a polite, respectful face, you'll find that the world will respond in kind and maybe we would have a few less incidences like the one that inspired this post.

I don't even want to know....

2008-07-07T14:31:00.002-04:00

How a Minnie Mouse sticker got stuck to my butt....I don't even want to ask.

"How to not to deal with an over-emotional female" AKA "How to get to sleep on the couch"

2008-07-02T19:40:00.002-04:00

Okay, so anyone, and I mean ANYONE, who knows me knows that I'm a bit on the emotional side....okay a lot on the emotional side. But in my defense it makes me very empathic and is mainly because I have a lot of imagination and even if I've never felt the feeling before, I can do a decent job of putting myself in someone else shoes. Sometimes this gets me in a lot of trouble with friends, mainly because I'm needy too and if someone is ignoring me, I keep putting myself in their shoes until I come up with a damn good reason to be angry at me and so I feel bad and don't blame them for never wanting to speak with me again even though it's probably just that we've grown apart or well, sometimes just that they got busy. It also opens me up for a lot of pain because sometimes even small things hurt a lot, like the other day when Ben called me mean and I cried though like his whole nap time until I was restored as the bestest mommy in the world. And sometimes, well, it makes me fight with my husband for some fairly stupid reasons.
The other day in the course of my job, I work from home calling people who have sent my company a request to be contacted, I called a lady who after dealing for about 2 minutes with her rather crazy mother, (I swear the lady couldn't hear a word I said and kept saying the oddest comments) finally took the phone. Immediately, I wished she hadn't. Now this is going to sound maybe a bit bad of me but the lady was crying, not just crying but bawling on the phone. And this will sound selfish, but I didn't want to cry and I knew that just about any reason that would make a person cry this badly if explained to me (which I was not encouraging) would make me cry. Again, selfish I know, but for personal anguish, well, I don't like strangers know that I cry so I would have probably let me struggle through the call with the crazy mother rather then get on the phone. Immediately upon hearing her tears and knowing that we can call back later and that my reasons for calling her were not THAT important, I tried to say we could call back later and setting up a call back time and date but the lady would not have it. She wanted to talk and to a certain extent, I'm honored that she felt I was a friendly ear to talk to. As I was trying to talk her into a call back, she told me she miscarried about 20 minutes before my call between sobs. I was devastated for her. I've recently had a friend who miscarried and I cried many nights for her, feeling a mere shadow of her pain I'm sure, but still upset over the loss of a dream and the pain she must be feeling and this call brought it all back except this unknown strangers pain I was hearing first hand.
After I had struggled though the call, letting my tears fall as silently as possible and rushing to try and stop intruding on this poor woman's grief, I put my headset down and started sobbing. I needed to let it all out. Which is where my husband, the insensitive lunk, comes in. Now we're going on our second anniversary and have known each other for 6 years, 6 years! And as I've stated ANYONE who knows me, sometimes even for a few minutes, knows that I have a tendency to be hyper emotional. So what does my husband, the man who should know me better then anyone do? Yup, that's right, he makes fun of me. Now I'm sure a few of you, or well Char since I think you're my only reader, are saying to yourself "well, don't you know your husband? Doesn't he usually react this way?" and the answer is yes, he does but in my defence I tried not to tell him and I told him he would think it was stupid, (aka. you're not allowed to make fun of me for this since you're making me tell you) Now I know, laughing will sometimes ease pain but seriously, did you think trying to make me laugh at me was wise? Couldn't you come up with anything better since even when I'm not crying my eyes out I don't like being thought of as an overwrought female? And taking offence when I didn't want to take your comfort after you made me feel like a fool for crying in the first place?
Let's just end this with one simple comment, he's lucky the couch is comfy.

Sesame Street Eh?

2008-06-18T11:35:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I kinda watch bits and pieces of Sesame Street with Ben. Some skits are hilarious like Law and Order :SLU (special letters unit) where all the muppetized characters tried to find the letter M. Whether it was the lack of sleep or it was actually that fun, I nearly peed my pants I was laughing so hard, while Ben kept asking "What funny, Mommy? What funny?" But as I was watching another spanish to english lesson with Rosita and Telly today, it finally hit me, this is not the same Sesame Street I grew up on.
When I used to watch Sesame Street a gazillion years ago, I swear there was no spanish. I remember a bear named Basil and an otter thingy named Louis and some weird old lady who I think was a pilot but I'm not sure. And we learned how to speak French not Spanish. Also from the begining of Sesame Street now, it's clear that it's in New York City, but before I remember it being vague on the location, kinda like Sesame Street could be near you. I was kinda disappointed watching it today with Ben because of these changes. I liked that there was a difference between Canadian and American Sesame Street. To me it was a bit of a Canadian pride thing (given that we're only really national when it comes to the Olympics or hockey), I miss my Sesame Street...

On another note, yesterday on the drive home from daycare (Ben was very well behaved!!) he asked for a "burger and french fries" for dinner but I told him that we didn't have any money (Ah, the money streach until payday on Friday). So when I let him out of his seat, he climbed into the front seat of the car and we were talking about "school" for a few minutes. Well, he spotted the small amount of change that I keep in the cup holder, totalling 93 cents in all. At this his eyes got big and round and he looked at me in astonishment and stated "See mommy, you have lots of moneys ....for burger and french fries!" I has to tell the poor kid that it wasn't enough moneys and he looked to crestfallen. So we took his 93 cents and walked to Giant Tiger for some Smarties. I just thought it was really sweet.

Letting Go

2008-06-16T13:49:00.002-04:00

Today was Ben's first day of daycare. *sniff* I've finally had to send him to daycare for two days a week. He goes Monday and Tuesday from 9-3 while I work at home and Mac naps. It was a bit of a rough morning. On one hand I think this is best for him. He gets to socialize more and the at home daycare that I've put him in seems great. They run it like a school and teach the kids a new letter every week and a new concept. This week is the letter "O" and the concept of "summer." Ben already knows most of this but I do think that this will prepare him for school when he's four. But it was still a little sad to see my baby go off. Since Ben was born, my husband, Brian and I have been bending over backwards so that at most he would be left with grandparents. This meant months and months of only seeing one another after 11:00 at night (when I had to wake up at 6:00 for work) or on the weekends. It nearly tore us apart being practically single parents all the time but we deemed it worthwile. Now we have a fairly viable solution of me working from home but Ben is too loud and too unpredictable to be counted on for sleeping for certain hours whereas Mac well, as long as you don't go pick her up, she'll stay in bed. And so daycare, which we call school to Ben. When I first told him about it, he was so excited he could barely contain himself. He kept asking about his schoolbooks and everytime he saw a school bus, he would proudly annouce that it was His School Bus. This morning when I dropped him off, I had to choke back tears as he ran off to play with the other kids without even a backwards glance or a kiss goodbye. My little man is growing up. I think I need to go cry a bit. :)

Behaviorial Issues

2008-06-02T16:02:00.002-04:00

So Ben, lovely child that he is, is getting a little out of control. Now, I know that most of these issues are our (my husband and I) problem and that we encourage them, but lately, wow, there are no real words. So let me tell you about his latest...

Lately, Ben has been picking up words and phrases. Now most of the time this is so cute, like when he says "Oh Man!" in frustration, or even, although this one is borderline "That's crack Dad, that's crack" (he means crap which is why it's borderline but he says it with such seriousness that it's hard not to giggle) Now I know that you can't laugh as it will encourage them, but boy do you need to fight it sometimes. One time I needed to run into the kitchen because I was having such a hard time chocking back the giggles. When Ben saw my shoulders shaking he asked what the matter was and Brian told him that I was crying. But then there are times that I definitely don't feel like laughing.

Ben is big enough now to help himself when he wants something now, and as much as I love his independent nature, knowing that I'll never need to push him to take the next step, this is killing me. He no longer asks when he's hungry or thirsty but will just go to the fridge and help himself, usually with a minimum of spills. Now I'm sure some people are saying "Hey that's great, why are you complaining?" the problem is that instead of eating his lunch or drinking all his milk, he'll go get something he wants more, that and his little sister, Mackenzie, is crawling now and will pick though the garbage so we like to keep the kitchen off limits but he'll take down the gate and (obviously) not put it back up, creating an issue. So the other day, I went into the kitchen to discover him standing on a chair in front of the freezer, trying to get himself waffles. Now, he still had breakfast sitting on the table, he just decided that he wanted something different. So I took him from the kitchen and told him no waffles, his breakfast was on the table and he needed to finish that before he got anything else. Well, he threw a tantrum! The whole thing culminated in Ben looking me dead in the eye and yelling "Make me my freaking waffles, Mommy!" and then slapping my butt! Needless to say I was speechless and he was in his bedroom on timeout for a while. However, this whole thing has had an unfortunate side effect, when I told Brian, he nearly peed his pants laughing and now he's forever slapping my butt and whispering "Make me my freaking waffles" before retreating to a safe distance. All I have left to say is "Sigh."

MEN! (and hecklers!)

2008-05-30T19:10:00.002-04:00

As I type this my daughter is screaming incoherently at her toy (she's trying to talk) and my son is foraging in the kitchen for something edible (or not so edible as last time he came out with a candle) even though we ate diner like 5 minutes ago. My husband is in the shower and all I'm thinking is "Oh God, does time seriously stop while I'm waiting for 8 o'clock." This is my night. Wow how sad is this. I know that I never update this thing because seriously, I never have time, someone who shall remain nameless (Char!) joked about watching Oprah all day (I wish, well not Oprah but any show through to the end) Unfortunately, I have the most active 3 year old on the planet. If I didn't know that I never drank anything caffeinated throughout his pregnancy, I would swear that he has pure caffeine running though his veins. And as I like to say, my son is a super genius, unfortunately he's decided to only use his powers for evil. My husband, god love him, works all day and seems to be under some delusion that when he gets home it's time to rest, HAH! so he immediately jumps in the shower, the most relaxing thing he can think of, in fact it is his 2nd shower of the day and there are usually 3, meanwhile, I can't remember when I last had time to shower to get clean let alone just because I needed to relax (seriously, I'm not that grimy but it's getting close) Hell I don't even get time to brush my teeth alone in the morning. The rest of my days are usually spent trying to clean the house and I do stress trying, because I seem to be the only one who does this. Now I know that I'm the SAHM but seriously (yes I know that I've said that like a bajillion times but my brain is on autopilot and I can think of another word) I was doing laundry the other day at 8 am in our laundromat and it hit me, with the exception of two loads of his own clothes my husband has never done this, I mean ever, we moved in two years ago and I've only been home a year. Then I started thinking, he's never washed the floor, or cleaned the bathroom, and he rarely ever even vacuums or takes out the garbage anymore. All I can say is "WTF?" when the hell did I become June Cleaver? I think he and I need to have a serious talk because when I go back to work (part time so I can still look after the kids all day) thing are going to have to change. Speaking of change I have a little girl whose getting a bit ripe so.....

Pain in my butt (but at least he' polite)

2008-03-31T16:24:00.003-04:00

Ben, my son, is a handful. I think that my mother described it best when she said he is like 4 two year olds all rolled into one incredibly energetic, incorrigible, messy, trouble-some kid. He gets into everything and he never stops except to occasionally sleep leaving me completely drained of all energy (truthfully sometimes I think that he's an energy sucking alien who uses my energy to power himself). My husband and I have been struggling futility to try and instill some discipline, good behavior and manners into him; however, as of now, we've only succeeded in one out of the three. Ben currently listens like a rock, causing us to ask him several times at day if his ears are simply painted on. There are things that he has been told not to do for over a year and a half (he's 2 and a half) that he still keeps doing, knowing that he will be punished but generally not caring. But it's his newest thing that has my husband and I struggling not to laugh most of the time. He's always had great manners, saying please and thank you when he wants something, sometimes even reminding us to say them including you're welcome which doesn't seem to make it into most conversations and we've been really happy with him so far, proud that he's this polite. However, now when we tell him to do something now, like "Time to go to bed", we get the simple response of "No thanks, Mom." This isn't screamed or yelled or accompanied by tears, all of which I'm used to by now, but rather said in a calm quiet voice that seems to defy argument. And he will keep at it, just calmly repeating his "No thanks" (actually it comes out no finks because he can't pronounce the "th") until someone usually picks him up and brings him to bed. On one hand, I'm thrilled that at times, there aren't as many tears or temper tantrums, but when faced with his calm response, I will admit sometimes I get a little flustered. But well, at least he's polite.

Trading Spouses

2008-03-18T14:11:00.002-04:00

So I was watching "Trading Spouses" today during nap time and one of the mothers that was featured on the show made the remark "My biggest fear is that my children will grow up to realize that they don't need me" and all I could think about was what an awful sentiment that was. Not that I want my children to grow up fast and ignore me but I think that it is part of my job as a parent to make sure that my children are responsible, independent human beings. My little boy is so independent right now. Half the time it takes me over and hour to dress him because he insists that he both pick out and dress himself. We have daily fights over how Superman jammies are not acceptable attire for grocery shopping. Every now and again, I just have to give in and end up walking around Wal-mart with my son in Ninja turtle pj pants, a spiderman pj top, batman boots and a hockey helmet just praying I don't meet anyone I know.

But back to the topic at hand, I know it's my job to teach my children how to live without me, I'll know I did a great job when they want to spend time with me regardless if they need me or not. That's what a parent is supposed to do. Will I still bawl the day that Ben runs off to school with just a quick "bye Mom" over his shoulder? Hell yes, but I will also be proud of him for taking that next step. The day that Mackenzie moves out to go to university will be, I think, the day I decide not to get out of bed for a week. But once I get over feeling sorry for myself, I will be so proud of her. This is what being a parent is. From the moment that the little ball of cells is conceived, all your needs take a backseat to theirs. You eat the food that is healthy for them, you drink 4 glasses of milk a day and all of your concern is directed towards them. Once they're born, it only gets worse because you need to learn that you can't protect them from everything, you can only do your best. The saying is "If you love someone, let them go" not cage them up and hope they never get free.

Keeping Up Appearances

2008-03-10T15:16:00.002-04:00

The greatest secret that I've learned since becoming a parent is the usefulness of "keeping up appearances." With the birth of my son, this didn't really come into play all that often, but since the birth of my daughter, it's amazing how frequently I fall back on this. The basic theory of this is that I can look like roadkill as long as no one is around to see me or my children.

During the average week, while I barely hold on to my sanity, as long as I'm inside my home. I just don't care. I have so many other things to do that most of the things that used to rank fairly high in importance to me are no longer even on the radar. I fondly remember a time that I got my hair cut and styled regularly, now I consider it a plus if I manage to brush it sometime during the day. I remember purchasing new clothes regularly, now I quickly check my clothes to make sure that there are no holes before I put a shirt on that I know is about 3 years old. Once as soon as I spilt anything on my clothes I would immediately change into something new, now I make sure that the new clothes that I do buy are dark colours so that when my son wipes his face off on my leg, the stains don't show. And I think that I may vaguely remember how to put on mascara.

In the average week, I consider it a good day if I remember to brush my teeth. I dress so that I can drive my husband to work but most of the time my clothes don't match, and I wear clothes that at one time I would have shuddered to even own. Most days when my husband gets home, he finds me disheveled, usually with a cry baby still awake, with my hair hanging limply out of whatever hair tie that I grabbed dangling over one shoulder, and my crooked glasses sliding down my face (my son bent one arm). Our home looks like several wild baboons have been frolicking without supervision, with random dishes stuck somewhere in the kitchen, but almost never in the sink and more toys then any child should rightfully own scattered everywhere. And I still consider it a good day as long as I don't have baby spit up on my clothes or pablum smeared across my cheek.

However, if anyone is going to come and visit, or I'm to go anywhere. My hair is newly brushed (as are my teeth) I have makeup on, I'm dressed in clean matching clothes. My house is tidy, my dishes are all done and my children look like something found in a Baby GAP. As soon as someone calls and says, well, why don't I stop by? I run around like a madman, cleaning up frantically (you don't want to see the rooms that people aren't allowed in like my bedroom) with a toothbrush in my mouth. I've become paranoid that people without children judge me, heck, I've become paranoid that people who have children who are grown and people who have children that are my kids age but are handling it better then me are all judging me. And so I fake it. My life would be so much easier if I didn't have to do this, if I could just be honest and say I'm overwhelmed, instead of pasting a bright smile on my face and saying, "Oh well, little Ben is such a helper, he cleaned this whole room by himself! And Mackenzie is such a perfect angel" and swallowing the truth that I want to say of "Oh you mean the little devil that made me fill the toy box 6 times because he kept dumping it out? That kid?"

So Why do I keep doing this, why don't I show the world my disheveled regular self? Because mothering has become a competitive sport. All of the Martha Stewarts of the world are held up as this epitome that we need to attain. I'm not a good mother if I don't have a perfect white house with perfect little children in beautiful clothing, that is always clean, who I feed only organic food (no McDonald's doesn't count unfortunately) who are intelligent and bright, reading before they enter kindergarten, who can count and write and draw pretty pictures quietly in the corner, who potty trained by the time they were 1 and who never throw temper tantrums, beat up other kids at the playground, throw their toys at me, refuse to eat solid foods, who never scream "no" at me until they turn red in the face, or seem to just be testing their lungs for hours on end. Children who don't colour all over my walls, or blow their noses on my sleeve or fight going to bed for hours on end only to wake up at 5 am. Mother's regularly compare their parenting style, what they do and don't do that makes them superior over other parents, and what their "little bundle of sunshine" can do earlier then yours which makes them the better parent. Instead of cutting each other a break and being understanding with a "Man, I was there too, it does get better (once they move out)", we are each other's harshest critic, whispering to our friends behind one another's back "Do you know what she fed little Jamie for lunch the other day? Gummie worms and apple juice and it wasn't even organic apple juice!" *shocked gasps all around* all the while you're guiltily thinking, at least she fed him apple juice, I gave mine pop. Everyone should cut everyone else a break, but we won't and so I continue "keeping up appearances."

And to anyone out there who thinks that maternity leave is "vacation," your wife or girlfriend should first smack you (because I know you're a man) and you should really try walking a week in our outdated jam smeared shoes before judging.

Toilet Tales

2008-02-29T18:49:00.004-05:00

Okay, my two and a half year old is not toilet trained. We tried for a bit while I was pregnant with Mackenzie but he started crying everytime we tried so I decided that he wasn't ready and that we would try again later. He has gone on the toilet but right now, even though I ask several times a day and he owns both Thomas the Tank engine and Batman glow in the dark underwear, he has absolutely no intrest in using the toilet. We talk about it regularly and I have told him that this is what big boys do but still he resists, and I'm not going to push him. I feel when he's ready, he'll let me know.

Apparently, this is just not good enough for the rest of the world. At least once a week, I hear "oh, he's not trained yet?" in the voice that clearly says that he better have a medical reason otherwise I'm just the crappiest parent on the face of the planet. I've check the parenting book, this is normal. In fact it states that to try before now can cause issues with the child. Like a friend of mine, who swears her child was toilet trained before he was a year and a half, but she now has a four year old who instead of going to the bathroom, will pull his pants down and go in the corner of his room before he resumes playing. Who says kharma doesn't work? Or even my grandma, who told me that seeing and child over a year still in diapers was unnatural. Or Brian's grandma who looked at me like I was crazy when she babysat today and I handed her a diaper before leaving.

My kid is not a freak, and I'm not a bad parent. I just think that he has so little control over his life and he's been dealing with so many changes lately with his new sister and he's dealt with all of it amazingly that giving him a little control over when he's ready for the toilet is not going to hurt him. I'm not going to stop offering it but I think it should be his choice. That and giving in to this makes me feel a little less conspicious then when he insist on wearing his hockey helmet everywhere.

Gym Blues

2008-02-29T08:51:00.002-05:00

I've started attending the gym near-ish my house. After Ben I didn't lose all the baby weight that I had gained before I got pregnant with Mackenzie and the weight situations has just gotten worse from there. But I've finally reached a breaking point where all of that is concerned and I'm determined to lose the weight, not just for the basic vanity reasons (although those are some fairly decent sized reasons) but also because I don't want to always lag behind my son as he's running though the park. I know that I'll never be able to keep up with him the whole time but for a while would be really nice. The problems that I'm running into are trying to make myself go to the gym. I have a few classes that I have appointments for but when something comes up, like the fact that I only got about 5 hours of not very good sleep last night, I just lose a lot of my motivation. That and as much as I enjoy have some free time away from my children, my husband is not great at watching them. It's not that he is out of his league or anything, he took part of the parental leave when my son was young, it's just that he doesn't want to have to watch both of them together, so he's subtle about it and just says things like "it's so nice to snuggle with you, I wish you could stay here" but then if I do he gets mad that we're spending money for a gym membership that I'm not using. It's incredibly frustrating. Anyway, it's almost time for my belly dancing lesson, guess I better stop procrastinating and get my butt moving. :)

Wistful Longings

2008-02-28T13:53:00.002-05:00

A friend of mine is pregnant. Now initially, I'm thrilled. I have two children of my own and this is the first of my friends that I knew before I had children to become pregnant. I'm excited that I'll have something new to talk to this friend about especially as friends have a tendency to drift when one becomes a parent. I also have a friend to share all the beautiful baby clothes that I no longer have a use for with rather then just donating them directly to the Goodwill. And this is where I run into my problem. As I sort through all the tiny clothing, all I can think about is how much I envy her.

On the surface, this seems fairly reasonable. Most women find themselves longing for children when they see a new baby or another pregnant woman; however, as I stated, I have two children. My son is two and a half, but my daughter is only 7 months. I have the babies, I know how much work, how little sleep, and in general how exhausting her life is about to become but I still wish I could trade places with her, not that I'd ever want to give up my babies (well, maybe if you asked me after one of the nights that I don't get more then 3 hours of sleep at one time).

If you asked me when I was pregnant if I would have another, I'd have looked at you like you must have been crazy. Unlike most women, I hated being pregnant most of the time. I hated the brief morning sickness, the bathroom breaks every half hour, and the feeling that you're standing outside of your body as some lunatic has taken control of your actions as you sob uncontrollably over a Hallmark commercial 15 minutes after it's ended (stupid ad agencies) because of your hormonal mood swings. I hated the not sleeping at night because there are no comfortable positions, the swelling ankles, wrists, fingers, feet and waist. The feeling that no matter how many people tell you you're beautiful, you still think your a cow in a dress, and then you cry about it. The people who corner you in the oddest places like the bathroom and insist on touching your belly as they gleefully relate to you the horrific story of the 34 hour labor with little "Johnny" who was 15 lbs 7 ozs. All of this drives me crazy beyond belief. But I would still trade places with her in a heartbeat.

I would trade places with her to experience the joy of seeing your baby for the first time on the ultrasound monitor, even the one where all you think you see is a peanut. The quiet comfort of reading about our babies development weekly with my husband before bed. The all consuming hunt for the prefect name for the person that you dream your baby will be. The absolutely amazing experience of feeling your baby move inside you. I still dream of that sometimes. The overwhelming rush of feelings when you hear your child cry for the first time. For all of these feelings again, I would gladly endure all of the bad times ten.

For all the people out there who are going through pregnancy now and just wishing it were over, slow down and savor this moment. I was so eager to reach the next step, so eager for the baby to be born, then for the baby to smile, then roll over, then eat solid foods, then crawl, walk, talk. Now as I sit folding sweet little pink dresses, soft baby blue sleepers and pale yellow onesies for someone else to enjoy, all I can think about is snuggling my little ones all wrapped in their blankets and wishing I could hold them again like that.