Dragonfly

Sisters....

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 20:26:00 +0000

Okay so it's not a song title, give me a break here, I just wanted to post really quickly, I'm a big sister again!!! The adoption for Katia went through and my parents and new little (can't call her a baby) sister are coming home!!! I 'm really excited about it all :) but if anyone is wondering, you can visit my parents blog at adoptingkatia.blogspot.com and they have all the details there! YAY! :D

I thought that you might have some advice to give on how to be Insensitive....

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Okay so this one has been building for weeks, well two weeks at least, I don't have internet so I've had to vent using spoken word, it was so last century, lol.
Anyways so back to the matter at hand, last week my wonderful ex was unable to be there for the kids when I dropped them off, we had a scheduling conflict with work. So he was not going to be home to take our daughter from me, (he already had Ben as he had picked him up the night before for a special birthday treat) so his solution to this mess was to have me drop Mac off with Krista....yup you heard me right, Krista, the 19 year old "friend" who slept with my husband, yeah that one. I was a little...umm....disturbed by this thought. And so I told him that I wouldn't be comfortable with it, and that I kinda had hoped that he could understand and take my feelings into consideration on this. To which he replied....wait for it...."You should be more considerate of Krista's feelings..."

Ummm....wait, what?

I swear my jaw dropped and my eyes automatically started scanning the room looking for a hidden camera because there was no way that he was THAT stupid, right? This had to be one big joke because no one, and I mean no one, would ask his wife to be more considerate of his mistresses feelings?

And really, I don't think that Emily Post covered this and if she had, I'm fairly certain that the fact that I a) haven't called this girl any of the wonderfully descriptive adjectives or nouns that run through my head or b) hit her, shows that I have more then considered her feelings in this matter. All that I've "done" to her is delete her from my phone and as a facebook friend which has shown the utmost restraint considering I considered her a friend when she started sleeping with my husband. Seriously, if I show anymore consideration, I would need to be nominated for sainthood. But I need to be more considerate of her feelings?

I hereby issue a formal apology to all variety of plants, even the plastic ones, I grossly insulted your intelligence in my former comparisson, and for that I am deeply sorry.

These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate,

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 19:37:00 +0000

"Our lives are made in these small hours,
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate,
Time flies away, but these small hours,
These small hours still remain"

Happy 4th Birthday, Ben!

My weakness is that I care to much, and my scars remind me the past is real...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Fri, 22 May 2009 16:13:00 +0000

Sorry for the slow comment moderation, I need to adjust my settings a bit so that I get an email when a comment is awaiting moderation and then we'll be golden. I just want to ability to delete the stupid spam that sometimes gets posted despite my best efforts. And thank you for all your kind words, I appreciate them, my lawyer has sent him a letter stating that if he wants access to the house he needs to write a list of things and then I will consider them and if I want to give them to him, I will allow him access when I am home to retrieve those items, have I mentioned yet that I like my lawyer? 'Cause I do. So things seem to finally be moving forward with the custody date set and the stuff being divided up (although he already took a whole bunch of stuff without my knowledge so him taking more seems laughable).

I think I'm finally feeling confident in the moving on arena of my life, I do still shake my head when I look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking but more then anything I KNOW this is so much better for me, now I have a chance to be with someone who cares for me as I am and who doesn't play all these stupid games, who's more concerned with my feelings rather then just selfishly being focused on them.

So I'm moving, in like 8 days. Yeah my landlord and ex got together and managed to make it so that I have no choice but to move, so I'm looking at apartments and trying to pack and sort through the junk so that I don't pack his crap, he can get it after I leave. But I checked it out with the authorities and I have no real choice in the matter; however, I do have a choice in where I go *insert evil smile here.* So I am not staying here in this city, see this, this is a very specific finger waving in a certain someone's direction. I've always hated this town and wanted out but there was a time when I was willing to stay so that he would have easier access to the kids, but those times have passed. And yeah, I will not be doing all the driving, right now I do but I usually need him to have the access so I can work, and he doesn't drive (pure laziness not because he can't not even because he can't afford it, my parents gave him his licence as a gift two years back he just could never be bothered when I was there to chauffer him around) so he can figure it out for himself, but it's not my problem. There are buses, like I care if you need to travel that long, I'm not preventing him from seeing his kids, I would never do that, but I don't have to be as helpful as I have been. He wants to make my life this difficult, well then I can move on and get over this niceness where he's concerned.

The great thing about scars, is the skin is less sensitive once they've healed....

Why give up, why give in? It's not enough; it never is....

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Tue, 19 May 2009 15:25:00 +0000

Okay, so yeah, another Breaking Benjamin lyric, what can I say, I like them. (Oh for everyone who didn't realize, all my post titles are song lyrics, I've thought about asking people to guess but I think that might be too hard, I don't always use well known songs) So on to the new games he wants to play. He got served papers this week past, our court date is September 16th, my brother Nick's birthday, so fingers crossed that it goes well. But in what I think was reaction to my papers (from an actual lawyer no less) and what I was requesting from the courts (things that I've been telling him forever that he may have to pay but apparently having my lawyer agree with him has him all flumoxed) like the chart amount of child support (you would think this would be a no brainer) and part of the bills that he left me to deal with (again, shrubbery level comprehension required) and part of the childcare that I have to pay so that I can work (it's all online so basic research should have returned the information that he will probably have to pay these). I think all this threw him for a loop and so he's gone back to basic threats. Apparently, his plan is to come in today and take half the stuff in the house while I'm at work. He thinks that he gets to decide which half should be his just because he's special or something. (and before you ask it is officially legal but anything he takes isn't his simply out of the "finders Keepers" rule, we still need to divide everything with the courts regardless of who's house it's residing in) So yeah, I may come home from work today and find half my stuff missing, at this point, I'm just ready to roll with the punches and say come what may, I'll deal with it at that time. I think he's just threatening to get me to panic, but if not, so be it.

I'm getting tired of dealing with this shit....

***Update - Once again, he was full of shit, all threat and no action, but yay I still have all my stuff****

I try to make it though my life, In my way, there's you....

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Mon, 11 May 2009 02:58:00 +0000

So I survived my first weekend without the kids. It was a little touch and go there for a while, I was extra mopy (And no you cannot ask, how could you tell?) I had a couple of teary moments but I knew they would be fine, I just didn't want to have to deal with it especially on Mother's day weekend, but such is life. On the plus, I got the guarentee of sleeping in on Sunday, YAY! And at least my babies called me which was nice.

I signed the documents with the lawyers on Thursday so he should be getting served with them sometime this week. At least this will get the ball rolling instead of nothing happening. The sooner that we get everything finalized the happier I'll be.

He has definately moved in with the twit, despite his protesting that he didn't. When I had asked him, he told me she was staying there on the weekends, which I didn't believe but I just let him lie if it made him feel better, that I'm not overly upset about it so there was no point in creating a fuss and giving him the impression that I give a damn about him and what he does. But he went to all the trouble of creating an incredibally implausible lie (like all his other lies) and feeding it to me to then ignore the fact that he set the phone up in her name and then called me from it. Seriously, someone break out the watering can fast!

He did sign the documents that my landlord wanted him to saying that we would be out by the end of the month, but I checked with the landlord tenent board and they have no binding on me, so I guess I'm continuing on my plan of "let's get evicted" because I can't afford rent with no support or the meger little bit that he gives me. And then he tells me that he's not giving me any this month as he's paying the landlord April's rent which does me no good whatsoever. I would love to pay the landlord some money or find a new place but I have almost no way of getting first and last. My little paycheck barely covers the car, childcare, the way past due utilities and food, there is nothing left over to save. So when I get that notice, I'm still not sure what I'm going to do but at least it will buy me some time to try and figure things out.

Right now, I just feel like I keep climbing up a hill to get to the top only to find that there's more hill behind it and I can't even see the top....sigh.....

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like....

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Sun, 03 May 2009 14:11:00 +0000

So it's time to update the latest, although this one is curtousy of the rumor mill via a friend. So he moved into his new place yesterday and according to the rumor mill, she moved in with him. When I asked him about it (I feel I have a right to know who's around my kids) he said that she would be living there on weekends, which makes no sense at all since normally she lives fairly far away (another city) from work and she doesn't drive. But apparently I have the word "STUPID" tattooed on my forehead in invisible ink that only he can see because he expects me to believe the steaming load of horseshit he just piled on. *rolled eyes* Yeah, right.

From the same rumor, he has been giving two different stories around his workplace. In one, he's been giving me tons of money but I've been squandering it on something and that's why I can't pay rent and so he is not planing on paying me anymore support. And in the other, he is planning on not giving me any more support in an effort to stress me out to the point of a nervous breakdown so he can have custody of the kids or (yes, he has a plan B, miracles can happen) plans on making me look unfit because I'm not able to keep up with the bills and stuff. I'm really not sure how this plan is going to work since the courts are probably going to look at him and say "Okay so she was so unfit that you left her in sole custody of the children for two months before you decided that it was a dangerous situation and (in the case of option 2) you're not giving her any money and then claiming that she is financially unable to care for them?" Why does he not see this? Why is it obvious to every one else but him? And I will be honest here, it all kinda hurts a bit, mainly because I couldn't pull this crap on someone I hated let alone someone I claimed to have loved who didn't really do anything to hurt me. All of it really makes me doubt that he ever loved me at all and I'm not really sure how I feel about that.

And while you're outside looking in, describing what you see, remember what you're staring at is me

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 23:15:00 +0000

So I know, I've been really lax in posting lately, and I could make excuses about not having anything to say but that's just not the truth. Honestly, with everything that went on at the begining I was always completely honest at all times with my feelings but now with him digging in his heels about custody all of a sudden, I got really scared (although yay! I go sign court documents on Thursday!). I just started to feel really paranoid and thought that the world was against me for a few days and then even if the world (and all my super nice readers :) p.s. Jay, I totally agree) wasn't against me, there was the idea that he could try and use some of my posts against me. (This is something that happened to my bloggy friend, Rubi and she had to make her blog private and I don't really want to have to do that and be all suspicious and everything, although she had very good reason) So yeah, the long and short of it is that I will now be editting some of what gets posted here so for those people who I know are my friends, I'll tell you the whole story later ;) but suffice to say, with the exception of having to deal with the mentally challenged (although maybe this is insulting to the mentally challenged, sorry Char, who by the way works with mentally challenged just to clear that up so I don't sound like I'm calling her mentally challenged!) my life is actually going really well.

I pick myself off the floor and now I'm done with you....

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 22:49:00 +0000

Okay, so I know, I've been bugged for a new post by a few people now so I guess it's only fair, (although kinda sucks to be the people who bugged me because they've already heard most of this :P). Anyway, his newest thing is that he thinks I should volentarily give him custody, just like that. When I managed to pick my jaw off the floor to tell him "no," he told me I should think about it because I "obviously wasn't handling this well" and "it would be easier on me." Okaaay, like I trust you to have my best interest at heart. All I managed to choke out in my rage was a terse, "I've never taken the easy road" and I left it at that, but even now it just makes me so mad! Really, paying me support will make your life that hard? Why in god's name do some idiots think taking care of two children full time, all the time, is easier and cheaper then the meager amount of support that they're required? And before any single dad's out there get insulted, I'm not talking to you really, I'm talking about they type of parent who leaves, sees their kid about 6-12 hours a week by their choice (I've offered way more time then that) and then all of a sudden thinks that they're parent of the year and can do a way better job. *rolled eyes* You know what would make my life easier, if he didn't fight me over every penny especially since I'm asking for the bare minimum according to court guidelines. He then proceeded to tell me all the ways that he is a better parent then me and all the ways that I suck at parenting, and all I can ask myself is "why now?" is it because I finally have a lawyer and am ready to play hardball that he thinks he can step in and push me around again? Try to make me give in to his way of doing things yet again? Yeah, not this time.

And the next time we talked, he got all upset because I deleted him off Facebook. Seriously? He kept asking my why I would do something like that, and all I could reply with was "Because you slept with a teenager? and honestly, I don't want to be your friend." Sigh, my mom likes to joke that if he got any dumber, he'd need to be watered and I'm thinking it's time someone bought him a watering can.

I am seriously sick of this shit.....

I used to care so much about what others think about, I almost didn't have a thought of my own.....

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 15:03:00 +0000

Okay, I know it's been a while, I bet all of you are just perched on the edge of your chairs wondering what's been happening, lol. Life is still bumpy as hell, snapping back and forth, him choosing to withhold child support, (Hah! two words, back support!) taking me off his benefits package at work even though it didn't cost him anything, promising to have his mother watch the kids while I (and this is a direct quote from his mother) "Got my lazy ass of the couch and got off welfare that her tax dollars paid for, " it was a little ironic since the way that she would be able to watch them all day was because she was just laid off work which was the same reason I had been out of a job, but then they said that they wouldn't watch the kids unless they got my engagement ring back. So I put the ring in a Ziploc baggie, handed it to them and proceeded to find other child care. I'll be damned if I lean on them for anything right now. I met with my lawyer, who seems like he can get me what I want, which is really nice. He said I was being really reasonable and seemed to be putting the kids first so he doesn't foresee an issue with the courts, now all we need to do is convince the nimrod of the same thing. Apparently, he and his twit are "in love" (*rolled eyes and gagging noises*) but that's fine, I wish them all the happiness that I had in my marriage ;). I've got to figure out where I'm going though and how to get there. Sometimes, I feel like I'm running as hard as I can just to stay in one place. But....I've been spending some time talking to some old friends, (apparently they liked me but not him, it was funny I always thought (I wonder who put THAT thought into my head) that it was me they didn't like) but through talking with them, I'm feeling more and more like my old self, the PD one (that's pre-douchtard for anyone who's wondering). It's interesting to find myself again, there are parts of me that seem to fit like an old glove, just sliding on and then there are parts of me that I've out grown. I'm starting to feel like a better person, like me. It's like those stupid commercial for some fitness thing, where the person is at a lost and found and the "find" the old them, the thin one, well it's like that, except I'm finding the strong Kelsey, the confident Kelsey, the one who loved life and smiled all the time and could laugh off anything. I know some of this might be destructive but I've kinda started to hate the me that was with him. All I keep asking myself is "How did I let myself get so weak?" "How did it go that far?" "When did just doing what he wanted rather then what I wanted become the norm and become the easy way rather then standing up for myself and telling him it was my life?" and to me, one of the most important, "How could I give up my entire person, all my decisions, all my feelings, almost all my thoughts, to another person, and not just any person, but a person who would treat me so badly?" I let him shape my thoughts, my fears, my hopes and dreams, for what? Why would I do something that stupid? It wasn't love, because I have to believe that love can't let you do that to someone. But I now hate the sniveling, approval seeking, cowed Kelsey, the girl who was afraid of her own shadow, or worse, his disapproval. I will never, ever let someone have that amount of influence in my life again. He can try to play his little control games, tell all his buddies (my friends too) at work that I never let him have the kids when I've offered and he chooses not to take them, hold back support payments, and generally be as much of an ass as he wants, because, baby, the bitch is back and this time, I have no reason to pull my punches. We'll see if he wants to fuck with me now....

I'm standing up for myself...

All I want is the wind in my hair, To face the fear but, not feel scared....

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 03:20:00 +0000

So it's been a while, but there hasn't really been much to update on the last post. He changed his mind a bit and now says that he's going to pay the bills directly like I'm an addict or something and can't be trusted to put my kids interests first and you know, keep the heat on. *Rolled eyes* However, he actually has yet to do that to the best of my knowledge. He got paid on Friday though, and I have yet to even see the small amount he promised me. I found out why he had such a snit fit though, he found out that with some money that was given to me specifically to "do something for me" from my Dad, I went to Bingo (seriously not my game, lol, a friend of ours goes and she invited me so that I had something to do). I'm not sure if he got pissed because I was out with "our" friend, or that I spent money, or that I was out period, not that it really matters, what I do is no longer any of his business, I don't ask what he spends on his twit or at the bars. He doesn't want to talk to me and refuses to keep me updated but still thinks that he can order me around, saying things like "I'm taking the kids this weekend" in an abrasive tone, all he would need to do is add "right?" to the end of the sentence and there would be no problems. And then when I start getting angry at how he continues to treat me, well, I'm just not being "reasonable." I'm a bit happy because I (finally) got a job that starts Monday. It will be nice to see some old friends and meet new people and actually have a life outside my kids again. But a lot of things are still really painful. Ben breaks my heart. He wants Daddy to come back and when he talks to him, he never wants to hang up the phone. He tries to call him back over and over again. It's gotten to the point that the calls are sporadic and since after two calls, HE turns his phone off so that Ben can't call back and Ben gets sooo upset that I'm thinking we might need to stop them completely. I am also getting ticked that he calls but never leaves a message. I never know if he wants to talk to me or the kids (again, not that he really talks to me but still, it would be nice to know before I had to call back). I'm just tired of having to console Ben all the time, I just wish this was all over, he explodes now at the smallest things, freaking out if things aren't going exactly how he expects, and then if I reprimand him, he sobs like his little heart is breaking and I end up consoling him again. I'm just getting really tired of this ride, I want to get off now.

You don't even know the meaning of the words 'I'm sorry," You swore you would love me until you died, Far as I know you're still alive....

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:19:00 +0000

So Mr Hyde has come back. After telling me last night that he "knew" I was trying to get him fired because his 19 yr old twit's husband told her, he told me that rather then paying the rent this month like he promised (which really by now haven't I learned that he can't keep his promises?), he's planning on giving me $150.00 and that's it. I still have hundreds of dollars of past due bills, and practically everything that he's given me has gone to that so far but you know, hey, me and the kids are good at surviving on "Roast of Ghost and Shadow Soup" and besides he has a 19 yr old twit and her son to take care of now, who needs Family 1.0 when you can get Family 2.0?!? I tried to explain to him that in the end, paying me a bit now and having me be reasonable and trying to work this out with a minimum of Lawyers vs. a $2,000 retainer and $250 an hour where I will be going for spousal support, for him to take over half of the car loan with his name on it and Child support plus half of the daycare costs, yeah well, lets just say if it goes to lawyers and I have to spend that kind of money welll, I'm not going to 'resonable' and 'understanding' anymore.

I'm getting really angry.......

We can't go on together, with suspicious minds

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 12:36:00 +0000

You know the saying, "It's not paranoia if an invisible demon is about to eat off your face?" No? Okay, well the point still stands whether you've heard of it or not. As time goes on, I'm slowly finding out that I was married to the scum of the universe. I got a phone call last night, someone was looking for him. No, it wasn't a woman, but it was her husband's best friend who lives with them. Apparently, she had admitted earlier that night that she slept with my soon to be Ex husband and destroyed her own marriage. After this friend got her husband calmed down, he called here looking for my scum to give him a peice of his mind and to make sure that I knew so that I could be safe and protect myself. So I had to tell him that our marriage was already over and that he moved out but I gave him his cell number. Scum deserves to be at the very least yelled at. The thing that makes me most angry is that I though she was my friend. There are days that all I can think is I must have an invisible sign or something say "please take advantage of my trust, hurt me." I just confirmed it with him. Why can't he just pick up at a bar like any other man whore? Instead he needs to sleep with people I called friend. Scum.

I hate people......

So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplacable...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 15:22:00 +0000

There's a funny thing about grief. It's managable, it's cathartic and it's life changing sometimes. I was talking with my mother about this the other day and she asked me, if he came back and apologized, would I take him back, and I thought about it for a minute and then firmly replied that I wouldn't. I'm angry about his treatment of the kids and I'm angry that he didn't feel I was worth trying, but I don't really miss him anymore. I know that I'm better off without him. I've had my crying time, and it's over and I've adjusted to my new life. I am still scared of what's going to happen next and how I'm going to manage, but I don't want him. I deserve way better then what he gave me. I deserve a guy who puts me first like I put him. I deserve a guy who wants to be with me. I deserve a guy who doesn't put me down all the time under the guise of "just joking," who doesn't then try to make me feel worse for not being able to take a joke, but never really takes back the insult. I deserve a guy who doesn't try to control all the aspects of my life, giving me "instructions" on the proper way to do everything, even the dishes and laundry. I deserve a guy who makes me feel like the beautiful person I am, not fat. I deserve a considerate, loving, gentle, man not the selfish, cowardly boy that I married. And in the meantime, I will love myself and I will hold myself in high esteem because I will no longer let someone define me, I'm better then that.

I'm learning to love myself again...

Hate

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 17:38:00 +0000

A lot has been going on but I just don't feel up to writing it all down right now, so I'll leave you all with my new favorite song by Plain White Tees

You were everything I wanted
You were everything a girl could be
Then you left me brokenhearted
Now you don't mean a thing to me
All I wanted was your
Love love love love love love

Hate is a strong word
But i really, really, really don't like you
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you
Brought you around and you just brought me down
Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you
I really don't like you

Thought that everything was perfect
Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
Thought you thought that I was worth it
Now I think a little differently
All I wanted was your
Love love love love love love

Hate is a strong word
But i really, really, really don't like you
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you
Brought you around and you just brought me down
Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you
I really don't like you

Now that it's over you can't hurt me
Now that it's over you can't bring me down
All I wanted was your
Love love love love love love

Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you

R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me.....

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 13:15:00 +0000

So yesterday, Brian came to visit with the kids. He emailed me after I had posted. Because I wanted him to see the kids, and because I wasn't doing anything else, I said it was fine. In the same email, he also stated "When I am there I want to play with my children alone. So you can go to the store or go upstairs or something" I had replied back with a comment about while I planned to give him alone time, I wasn't going to stay hiding, if I needed to come down to the kitchen or something I would. I didn't get anything back but I assumed that everything was fine. So first, a friend of mine that also works with him shows up, she asks if she can store her carseat here while she goes shopping across the street. I told her I didn't see a problem with it and she and her son came in (he's about the same age as Mac). Then Brian showed up and I was a little torn, I couldn't really leave my friend but I wanted to give him some privacy, so I figured that I would talk with her for a bit and when she left I would go upstairs. So time came (about 20 min later) that she was leaving and Brian stands up and says he's going too, WTH?!? Ben, of course, wants to go as well and I got asked and said okay, Mac started fussing to go to and when they hit the door, I asked if they intended to take her too (they hadn't). So they leave.
So around 8:30 (after their bed time) I wanted to know when they were coming home, so I called, no answer, I finally get a call back 15 minutes later and all I asked was that they maybe come home soon since it was past the bed time. I got a snippy reply but they were headed home. Now when he got here, my house was clean, all the toys were picked up, and everything was neat. After he had played with them, it was a disaster. Toys were everywhere! So when he got back with the kids, I asked him if he could please pick up the toys. That's when all hell broke loose. He snapped, and made a snarky, disrespectful comment to me, something about having cleaned up after me for all this time so why should it be any different now. And I called him on it. I told him that he had no right to talk to me that way and he snapped back that he could talk to me any damn way he wanted to. I'll be honest, at that, my temper snapped and I demanded that he get out. He told me that since he paid rent, it was his house and he could do anything he wanted. It took me 15 minutes to get him out of the house, with our kids clinging to me screaming while he did his best to push me around and control me yet again. This is the man who supposedly loves his kids so much that since he left last week, he's spent 4 hours with them, and I have been bugging him for that. He calls me last minute usually giving me no more then two days notice for when he wants the kids and in his mind, there is no question that when he says he wants the kids, he's going to get the kids. I want my kids to spend time with their dad, I know that the need it and I know that it's what's best for them, but I dislike that I have to feel like I'm pulling him into it kicking and screaming or that I have to have no life in case he wants to see the kids. Our kids are not a toy that he can take out of the box when he wants to play with them and just put away when he's finished. And although he no longer has to pretend to love me, he does have to treat me with respect.

I'm getting my pride back.....

So take another look at me now, cause it's your last look....

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 13:58:00 +0000

So I've got a bit of a theme going with my titles, and no this one doesn't mean that I'm going away, it's more so directed at him. We're running into some logistics issues. Ben's not doing great, he's still sweet and loving and trying hard to be good, but where we used to run into the odd little stamping feet tantrum, now it's turned into a full body all out expression of pure rage. I think we need to look into getting him to a therapist, maybe just to help him with things. He'll so things like straighten all the blankets in the living room and then look at me and say, "So Daddy is proud of me when he comes home" or he won't sleep until nearly midnight so that he can keep coming up to me to make sure I'm still here and tell me he loves me or get a kiss and hug. So I told him that he needs to visit the kids at home for a bit, to try and work into this, of course that's not good enough for him, he says we'll do both. I hate how he needs to control everything. And now it's thursday and he has yet to tell me what days and for how long he'd like to visit the children. And for once, I'm going to take my mother's advice and I'm going to play the game. It is not my responsibility to chase him down and bug him until he gives me an answer so I'm making plans and he's just going to have to work around them. Right now, I'm waiting to hear back from my mom, to see if she's visiting on Saturday, and if she get's back to me first well, he'll be SOL, because I will not be sitting around on tenderhooks waiting for him to call before I decide what to do with my life.

I'm done waiting for him.....

I love myself today, not like yesterday....

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 14:58:00 +0000

Sorry for the little pity party I threw myself yesterday everyone. Admittedly, I guess, it was one of the facets of what I'm going through and since I'm trying to post daily and keep a fairly accurate version of what I'm feeling and dealing with I guess it wasn't too out of place. But none the less, sorry. It just really hurt to hear that he's happier and I think one of the big things that I'm having problems with is that he was my best friend too, so not only did I lose my husband, lover and supporter, I also lost my best friend, confidente and emotional support. I know that those circumstances can make some of the best marriages but when it all falls to shit, it leaves me wandering around, either bothering people that I'm friendly with but have never really crossed the line with, talking the ear of any family member who will paste a "I'm slightly interested/sympathetic" look on their face, looking up people that I haven't really talked to in forever, or venting into the vast nothingness of the internet and although I appreciate all the support and kind words and loving thoughts that everyone has passed to me, what I really want to do is talk to my best friend or my husband, but he's the one who's doing all this to me so he's not really able to offer me any comfort. And all that does is make me angier and sadder, I'm just tired of this ache in my chest. The only time my heart should hurt this bad is if I was having a heart attack....

I miss my best friend.....

It's my (pity) party and I'll cry if I want to.....

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 03:04:00 +0000

I think I must have married the most selfish person on the face of the planet. Why can't he think of anyone else? Why is his only reasoning for destroying our lives his happiness? I'm sorry, but you're unhappy is just not a good enough reason for this shit. Why was I not good enough for him to try and work on it? What was I doing that made his life so horrible that all of a sudden, he's left and he's happier? And you can't tell me that it's him and not me. I must be doing something and it was enough to make him want to leave his kids and me. And he loves the kids and they make him happy so how much unhappy was I causing him that it outweighed the happy of the kids? Why am I unlovable? What's so wrong with me that it was worth destroying our family and hurting our children to get away from me?

I hate myself.......

At First I Was Afraid.....

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 01:41:00 +0000

So the kids had their first visit with Daddy. I came home and nearly started bawling and I was shaking and then I started cleaning. When I get upset, I clean. It's kinda weird. Considering cleaning is like one of my most hated things on earth the fact that I throw myself into it with such vigor when upset is kinda confusing to me. I even start enjoying it. But now that the kids are home, and tucked safely into bed, my stomach is still tied in knots and everything about my new situation seems oddly more real. For the first time in a few nights, I'm home again and alone again.

I think I hate my new life.......

Smile though your heart is breaking....

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 15:06:00 +0000

So I've been thinking that maybe I should retitle this blog The Diary of a Mad White Woman.... nah...doesn't really have the same flair. It's weird, usually I'm a very private person and although I have a blog, I rarely ever posted regularly, in fact it used to be a special occation if I posted more then twice a month, but now I find myself compelled to write every day. (so far at least) It seems to help cleanse my soul and I've been really appreciating the outpouring of support that I've received via the internet. Everyone has been really, really sweet and nice. I've been having a few issues lately. Most of the time, I'm angry, so angry, but at night, especially after the kids are in bed and I'm alone, either wandering around the empty feeling house or lying in bed desperately wishing for sleep, I miss him so much.
Everyone I know, that knows the both of us, tells me that I'm better off without him, that I'm strong and that I will survive this, and I know I will. It funny, either I'm overcompensating or less tense about my family situation now that it's in shambles, but my relationship with the kids seems better then ever. In this last week, I haven't had one bad day with Ben. We talk and laugh and cuddle and all and all if I wasn't dealing with this divorce, I'd say I was incredibally happy. But there's a little bit of a downside to all the happy, Ben keeps making plans. All day at random times, he says things like "Can we do ___, just you and me and Daddy and Mackee?" and I have to tell him "we'll see" or "Maybe." Or he'll ask if Daddy will be home from work when we get home and I have to remind him that Daddy is staying at grandma's to "help" her for a while.
But I think that what I'm most sad for is the broken plans. Whenever, I was home alone with the kids and feeling down or tired or lonely during their naps, I would make plans in my head of fun things we could do, like trips to the zoo, or the science center, or even just the duck farm, and all of my plans included Brian. I loved how he loved going to the zoo with the kids almost as much if not more then the kids. I loved fantasizing and planing about that trip to Montreal that we were kinda planning or the trip to Chicago with just the two of us. I loved planning all these things and now that's all they'll be, plans. We'll never go to Disney world, or camping or even just sit at home and play Wii anymore. From now on, it will just be me and Ben and Mac. And I hate that.
I hate that I never quite realized how much I looked forward to him coming home at night. I loved to hear about his day and I loved to tell him about mine. I loved to watch our favorite programs together and talk about them, or talk about our hockey pool. I live a very secluded life, home alone with the kids all day. I don't have a lot (or well almost any) of friends in the area and all the friends that I did have were people that he works with which puts them in a hard place and I don't want to do that to them. I also think that they were primarily his friends and I was just the wife of one of their friends. So at night after everyone is in bed, I wander aimlessly trying to find someone or something to occupy my time. Even talking on the phone to the few friends I have isn't really the same. I want someone in the house.
I miss him.....I hate him.....

Reality is starting to sink in....

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 01:20:00 +0000

So I think the fact that this new life he chose stinks is starting to sink in. He wanted me to drop the kids off tomorrow at nine AM and then pick them up sometime in the evening. But we don't have any sort of custody agreement set up, so many people who are more experienced in this sort of thing and much wiser, have all advised me that to do so would be very, very foolish. Apparently when there is no custody agreement in place, possesion is 10 10ths of the law. So if I drop my kids off, there is a chance that I can't pick them up again. And my chances for getting custody if he's the primary caregiver decreases greatly. So I had to feel like the biggest bitch in the world and tell him that I was not going to drop off the kids. I tried my best to compromise and I told him that he could come to the house and play with the kids all day if he wanted. He freaked out over the phone and yelled something about me not keeping him from his kids, and then he hung up. I was seriously not trying to screw him. But the whole thing made me and my parents both very nervous. So they asked me to come up and visit. So I'm up in Grimsby for a few days, I've set up my phone for call forwarding to their number and I'm going to go to a lawyers on monday. However, in an odd, niggling suspision, he hasn't called yet to see about setting up a time. Maybe it isn't paranoia when you're right......

Unfair Play

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 02:57:00 +0000

So I'm here trying to put my life back in order, trying to not emotionally damage my children, trying step by step to work out just how I'm going to manage being a single parent, trying to deal with the hurt and pain caused to me while the douchetard is out "celebrating" the demise of our family, so that our son couldn't even say 'goodnight' over the phone.

I hate him more......

I wanna throw up....

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 05:56:00 +0000

So, the other shoe has dropped. After fighting and fighting and fighting for it, my husband, the insanely immature, self centered douchetard, has decided unilaterly to end our marriage without talking to me about it. So expect a lot of bitter, angry, scared rants for then next little bit.

I hate him......

Tears and Fears

noreply@blogger.com (Kelsey) — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 15:55:00 +0000

So there's a lot of shit going down right now. It kinda blindsided me completely. Suffice to say, I'm not ready to blog about it yet, I keep trying to convince myself that it's not happening and I think a part of me is hoping that if I pretend hard enough, it will go away. But all in all, with the whole being laid off thing, I kinda feel like I was kicked while I was down, and then run over by a truck. If things go the way I pray they will, you'll probably never hear of this again, if not, well, I'll have blog fodder for a while. But end of the day, I might not be around for a bit, (not that I was ever overly consistant) I hope everyone can understand.